Here is what characteristically happens in many anxious-avoidant
relationships:

TELLTALE SIGNS OF THE ANXIOUS-

AVOIDANT TRAP

1. The roller-coaster effect. In the relationship you never
   sail along on an even keel. Instead, every once in a
   while, when the avoidant partner makes him/herself
   available to the anxious partner, the latter’s attachment
   system is temporarily quieted and you achieve extreme
   closeness—leading to the feeling of a “high.” This
   closeness, however, is perceived as a threat by the
   avoidant partner and is quickly followed by withdrawal on
   his or her part—only to create renewed dissatisfaction
   for the anxious partner.


2. The emotional counterbalancing act. If you’re
   avoidant, you often inflate your self-esteem and sense of
   independence in comparison to someone else. If you’re
   anxious, you are programmed to feel “less than” when
   your attachment system gets activated. Frequently
   avoidants feel independent and powerful only to the
   extent that their partner feels needy and incapable. This
   is one of the main reasons avoidants hardly ever date
   one another. They can’t feel strong and independent in
   relation to someone who shares the same sentiment as
   they do.


3. Stable instability. The relationship may last for a long
   time, but an element of uncertainty persists. As
   illustrated on page 158, you may remain together but
   with a feeling of chronic dissatisfaction, never finding the
   degree of intimacy that you are both comfortable with.


4. Are we really fighting about this? You may feel that
   you’re constantly fighting about things you shouldn’t be
   fighting about at all. In fact, your fights aren’t about these
   minor problems but about something else altogether—