the amount of intimacy between you.- Life in the inner circle as the enemy. If you are
anxious, you find that you’re getting treated worse
instead of better once you become the person closest to
the avoidant partner. We’ll explore this further in the next
chapter. - Experiencing the trap. You develop the eerie sense
that the relationship is not right for you, but you feel too
emotionally connected to the other person to leave.
WHY ARE INTIMACY DIFFERENCES SO
DIFFICULT TO RECONCILE?
If two people are in love, can’t they find a way to be together and work
out their differences? We wish the answer was a simple yes, but we’ve
often seen that it’s impossible to find a resolution acceptable to both
the anxious partner and the avoidant partner, regardless of how much
love they feel for each other. Typically, if the relationship runs its usual
course (we will show you later that this does not have to be so) despite
differing intimacy needs, the anxious partner is usually the one who has
to make concessions and accept the rules imposed by the avoidant
partner.
So even if the relationship is left to its own devices and lasts for a
long time (in a stably unstable manner), without an attempt to steer it
toward a secure place, things don’t usually get better—and may get
worse. Here’s why:
- Intimacy differences can spill over into more and more areas of
life—radically different intimacy needs don’t stop with
seemingly trivial matters like one person wanting to hold hands
more often than the other. These differences reflect
diametrically opposed desires, assumptions, and attitudes. In
fact, they affect almost every aspect of a shared life; from the
way you sleep together to how you raise your children. With