Craig—by explaining her point of view, falling apart emotionally, and
excusing his behavior—she finally gave up hope. In our interview,
Marsha told us that whereas during the first few years she would find
herself in tears on a daily basis, during the last year, she almost never
cried. Emotionally, she was already starting to detach. She no longer
believed that anything would change or, in fact, that Craig could
change. She started to notice more and more of his faults and stopped
concentrating on the occasional positive experience they shared. The
process she went through was the same one that avoidant people
engage in all the time: In order to avoid becoming too close, they focus
on their partner’s negative qualities and behaviors to keep their
partner at bay. Marsha, although anxious, started to use deactivating
strategies after having been burned emotionally by Craig countless
times. Deactivating is a necessary process that must occur in order to
get someone out of your (attachment) system. Starting this process
while still with your partner, however, doesn’t guarantee that you won’t
experience the rebound effect. Once your attachment system is
reactivated as a result of separation, all bets are off. In Marsha’s case,
having started the deactivation process did help her get safely through
the initial breakup phase and the eventual divorce.
Today Marsha is no longer in contact with Craig and they are not
friends. Instead, she went on to find herself a real soul mate.

Surviving a Breakup

The following nine strategies, using attachment principles, will

help you get through the painful experience of ending a

relationship.

1. Ask yourself what life is like for you in the “inner
   circle.” If you can’t decide to break up, ask yourself
   whether you are treated like royalty or like the enemy. If
   you’re the enemy, it’s time to go.


2. Build a support network ahead of time. Start to open