more likely to send mixed signals. Also, notice that he doesn’t engage
in any game playing—he doesn’t keep track of when Mary
reciprocates; he is simply true to himself and acts in the most genuine
manner without letting other considerations rule.
- Suzanne, single, 33.
This Valentine’s Day will mark the beginning of the year when I will
find my husband. I’m tired of being alone; I’m sick of coming back to an
empty home, going to the movies by myself, having sex with myself or
with some stranger. This year I will find someone wonderful who will be
mine! In the past, I devoted myself completely to my partners and got
badly hurt. I lost faith in finding someone good. But I have to overcome
the fear of getting hurt. I’m willing to put myself out there, willing to take
a risk and lose myself. I understand that no pain, no gain, and without
me opening my heart there is no chance that someone could enter. I
will not give in to desperation. I deserve to be happy!
Attachment Style: __
Answer: Anxious. This is a clear account of someone anxious
who’s been hurt many times before. She’s very absorbed in finding
someone. She wants to get out there and find her soul mate, but
because she is unfamiliar with attachment principles, she doesn’t
know who to avoid and who to trust. Suzanne is very different from Paul
in example 4. She is not looking for the “ideal” partner. We get an idea
of what the matter is and why she hasn’t met someone yet—she gets
close and then gets hurt, but she continues to yearn for closeness. Paul
will not get close until he meets the “right woman.” People like Suzanne
are one of the reasons we wrote this book. She desperately wants to
meet someone, yet she’s been burned before and fears rejection. She
knows the painful fallout of dating the wrong guy and she’s become
fearful of that pain almost to the point of giving up. Because she craves
intimacy, she feels lonely and incomplete, but she has no clue how to
assess potential partners. With knowledge of applied adult
attachment, we have seen people like Suzanne learn how to navigate
the world of dating, steer clear of avoidants, and land safely in the