what is said to what is not said: If you don’t get a clear understanding
of why this person hasn’t met “the one” even though he’s dated a great
number of women, you should try to read between the lines. There are
also hints in the way Paul describes his relationship with Amanda—he
was very excited about her, but after they got close, he started noticing
little things about her that turned him off. Devaluing your partner when
things become too close is very typical of people with an avoidant
attachment style and is used as a way to create emotional distance.
- Logan, single, 34.
I’ve only dated three people in my life, including Mary. When we met
a couple of years ago, I remember Mary was very unsettled by this fact.
She kept grilling me about my past relationships, and when she
realized I really had told her about all my relationships and was not
holding anything back, she looked puzzled and asked if I hadn’t felt I
was missing out on something. Hadn’t I been worried that I was by
myself for too long? Or that I wasn’t going to find someone? Honestly,
the thought that I wouldn’t find someone never crossed my mind. Sure, I
had my share of disappointments, but I figured that when the time was
right it would happen. And it did. I knew I loved Mary almost
immediately and told her so. When did she reciprocate? I’m actually
not sure, but I knew she was crazy about me even before she told me.
Attachment Style: ____
Answer: Secure. There are several clues here that Logan has a
secure attachment style. He is not preoccupied with relationships nor
does he fear remaining alone, which rules out an anxious attachment
style (although it sounds like his girlfriend, Mary, is anxious for these
reasons). The question remains whether Logan has an avoidant or
secure style. Several indicators rule out an avoidant style: First, he
seems to be very forthcoming with Mary about his past relationships,
puts all his cards on the table, and isn’t annoyed by her nosiness (and
doesn’t embellish his romantic history as someone anxious might do).
Second, he feels comfortable expressing his feelings for Mary very
early on, which is a typically secure trait. If he were avoidant, he’d be