wasn’t right, got really upset, and called again. This time it went directly
to voice-mail. He didn’t leave a message. He felt hurt that she had
pushed the “ignore” button the first time and then turned off her phone
completely the second time. He found it hard to concentrate during his
business meeting, but he promised himself he wouldn’t call her for the
rest of his trip. Luckily, an hour later Shauna texted to apologize for not
picking up—she hadn’t been able to answer because her boss was
standing right next to her when he called. He was relieved and called
her right back.
Ryan, who has an anxious attachment style, has a sixth sense for
attachment-related cues; he is very much in tune with the small details
related to his girlfriend’s availability: He paid attention to how many
times the phone rang before going to voice-mail. He correctly
concluded that Shauna hit the “ignore” button and then turned off her
phone, cues that might have gone unnoticed by someone with a
different attachment style. He was especially sensitive because he
was used to having Shauna three offices down from his, and this was
his first trip with his new firm.
Fortunately for Ryan, Shauna has a secure attachment style and was
able, without much effort, to effectively respond to him, reestablish
contact, and calm his attachment system. Unlike Emily, Ryan did not
find himself in the relationship danger zone, because his anxieties
were met by reassurance.
Notice that if you feel unsettled in a relationship situation, all that is
required is a minimal reassurance from your partner—one text
message in Shauna’s case—to get back on track. But if you don’t get
that reassurance, your worries about the relationship will quadruple,
and it will take a lot more than a simple text to calm your attachment
system. This is a very important insight for anyone in a relationship.
The more attuned you are to your partner’s needs at the early stages—
and he or she to yours—the less energy you will need to expend
attending to him or her later.
In fact, had Shauna not reacted as she had, Ryan would have
continued to find it hard to concentrate at work (activating strategies),
and would probably have either acted distant or exploded on the