RELATIONSHIP IF YOU ARE ANXIOUS

Emily, who you met at the beginning of the chapter, was unaware of
attachment science. She didn’t know that she had an anxious
attachment style. She was also unaware that the man she was
obsessed with, David, had an avoidant attachment style. If she had
known, she would have understood that being anxious means that she
thrives on intimate, supportive relationships that are stable and long-
lasting, and that uncertainty and emotional unavailability get her
activated and preoccupied, or in a word, miserable. She would also
have known that certain people—namely, avoidants—intensify her
worries and feelings of inadequacy, while others—secures—pacify
them. Emily, like most anxious people, paradoxically often ends up
dating people with an avoidant attachment style even though findings
in adult attachment make a clear case for people with an anxious style
going well with secures. Why is this so? And most important, how can
you find happiness and avoid unnecessary heartache?

GRAVITATIONAL PULL?

A number of studies have looked into the question of whether we are
attracted to people based on their attachment style or ours. Two
researchers in the field of adult attachment, Paula Pietromonaco, of
the University of Massachusetts, and Katherine Carnelley, of the
University of Southampton in the UK, found that avoidant individuals
actually prefer anxiously attached people. Another study, by Jeffry
Simpson of the University of Minnesota, showed that anxious women
are more likely to date avoidant men. Is it possible, then, that people
who guard their independence with ferocity would seek the partners
most likely to impinge on their autonomy? Or that people who seek
closeness are attracted to people who want to push them away? And if
so, why?
Pietromonaco and Carnelley believe that these attachment styles