Intriguingly, they found that when women with an anxious attachment
style thought about negative scenarios (conflict, breakup, death of
partner), emotion-related areas of the brain became “lit up” to a
greater degree than in women with other attachment styles. What’s
more, they found that regions of the brain associated with emotional
regulation, such as the orbitofrontal cortex, were less activated than in
woman with other attachment styles. In other words, the brains of
people with an anxious attachment style react more strongly to
thoughts of loss and at the same time under-recruit regions normally
used to down-regulate negative emotions. This means that once your
attachment system is activated, you will find it much harder to “turn it
off” if you have an anxious attachment style.
Understanding the attachment system is crucial for people with an
anxious attachment style. Therein lies their chance for a happy, fulfilling
relationship.
We’ve divided our guidance for people with an anxious attachment
style into two separate routes—the first is for those of you who are
unattached. Finding a secure partner in the first place is the best
option available for you if you are single. It can work like magic to
prevent hardship before it even starts—but going secure might be
trickier than you think. The rest of this chapter is dedicated to directing
singles with an anxious attachment style toward a secure partner,
avoiding pitfalls on the way. The second route is for anyone who has
an anxious attachment style—both those currently in a relationship and
those who are still on the lookout for the right partner. It entails
reshaping your attachment working models—basically rethinking your
attitudes and beliefs about relationships from an attachment
perspective—as a segue toward retooling yourself with more secure
relationship skills. Parts Three and Four are dedicated to this second
group.