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and so they try to accommodate their partner’s need for distance and
boundaries (if they’re involved with someone avoidant). It’s simply
more socially acceptable to maintain a cool, self-sufficient façade. So
they hide their wishes and mask their discontent. In actuality, you are
missing out when you do so, because by expressing those needs you
achieve two goals. First, you are being your authentic self, which has
been found to contribute to our general feelings of happiness and
fulfillment, and being happy and fulfilled is probably one of the most
attractive traits you can offer a partner. Second and no less important,
once you are your authentic self, if your partner is incapable of meeting
your genuine needs, you can determine that early on. Not everyone has
relationship needs compatible with your own, and that’s fine. Let them
find someone else who wants to be kept at arm’s length, and you can
go about finding someone who will make you happy.
What do we mean by “being your authentic self ” and “expressing
your needs”? Amir’s patient Janet can illustrate this point well. At 28,
she had been going out with Brian for more than a year when he
decided to end the relationship. He wasn’t ready to get serious and
needed his space. She was absolutely devastated and couldn’t stop
thinking about him for many months. She wouldn’t even consider
dating anyone else because she still felt so connected to him. Six
months later, as though in answer to her prayers, Brian called her and
wanted to get back together again. Of course Janet was elated. A
couple of weeks into the renewed relationship, Amir asked her how it
was going. She said that they were taking things very slow and she
was letting him set the pace, as she had in the past. She knew he was
afraid of commitment, and she didn’t want to scare him away again.
Amir strongly suggested that instead of falling into the same pattern
that Brian set the first time, this time she should make her wishes
absolutely clear. After all, he was the one who wanted to get back
together, and he had to prove he had changed and was worthy of her
love. Amir suggested spelling things out point-blank, as in “I love you
very much; I need to know that you are there for me all the time. I want
to know I can talk to you every day and not just when it’s convenient for
you. I don’t want to have to cover up my wish to spend time with you for
fear of driving you away.”