But Janet believed that if she held out long enough, giving him his
space and plenty of time, he would learn to appreciate her. That if she
played it cool and self-assured, he would be more attracted to her.
Perhaps not surprisingly, Janet’s relationship with Brian slowly
deteriorated until it finally fizzled out completely. He called less and
less, continued to do as he wished without taking her well-being into
account, and finally disappeared without even a real break-up talk. If
Janet had let her authentic self shine through and used effective
communication to voice her feelings and needs, she would have
ended the sad ordeal much earlier, knowing she had given it her best
shot but that Brian was simply incapable of providing what she
needed. Or else Brian would have understood from day one that if he
was serious about getting back together, he was going to have to rise
to the occasion and take Janet’s needs into account. He would know
exactly what was expected of him, no guesswork required.
(For more about how to voice your authentic self using effective
communication, see chapter 11.)
- The abundance philosophy.
As we discussed earlier in the chapter, there are a disproportionate
number of avoidants in the dating pool. Another useful step for
successfully maneuvering through the pool is what we call the
abundance (or “plenty of fish in the sea”) philosophy—understanding
that there are many unique and wonderful individuals out there who
may be superb partners for you. Try giving several people a chance,
without settling on one person very early on, making sure to give a
wide berth to those with potential smoking guns.
This calls for a crucial change in your anxious thinking. You tend to
assume that meeting someone suitable is an unlikely occurrence, but it
doesn’t have to be that way. There are many charming, intelligent
people out there who can make you happy, but there are also many
who are not right for you. The only way to make sure that you meet
potential soul mates is to go out with a lot of people. It’s a simple law of
probability—the more you meet, the greater the chances you’ll find the