give her feedback, I would have been doing so from a position
of identification with her. If I had given feedback to her prior to
recognizing how we were alike, I would have done so in a
“holier than thou” way, which would most certainly have
sounded patronising and not been accepted by her. By
identifying with the person to whom we choose to give
feedback, we create a connection that increases the likelihood
that we will give the feedback in a way that will be accepted.
We recognize attributes in others because we have the
structure of those attributes within ourselves. Those traits in
others (good and bad) that affect us emotionally are those very
same traits in which we have an imbalance in some way. For
example, we might be frustrated by what we see as aggression
in someone else because we need more of that within
ourselves (not to be aggressive but to be more assertive). And
it is our frustration with our previous inability to develop this
aspect of ourselves that we project on to this other person who
is mirroring our imbalance back to us. It may equally be that we
have too much of what we see in the other. This was the case
with the delegate in my example. I had too much focus and too
little sensitivity in some contexts of my life, for example when
I set myself a business goal.
To hold this belief—that I recognize in others what I am
capable of myself—is to have access to one of the best
personal development tools available. It means that whenever
we experience something in someone else that we either
admire or that bothers us in some way, we have the key to
releasing the equivalent potential within ourselves. Our
acceptance of this feedback enables us to recognize the traits
to which we might otherwise have been blind.
To fully hold this belief is to let go of frustration and anger
with others and to realize that there is only one place to look
for the answers to our dissatisfactions—within ourselves. Once
we change the perception within ourselves, it is amazing how
suddenly the world around us, including those people who
may have pushed the most sensitive of buttons, seem to
change. Energy directed negatively toward others is wasted,
life-draining energy. Energy directed inward to accept our own
inadequacies and our strengths is life giving, not only to
ourselves but to the people with whom we come into contact.
We recognize attributes in
others that are true about usWe have the key to releasing
the potential within ourselvesGIVING AND RECEIVING FEEDBACK 341