dissociate for a moment, step back as if you are an observer
of yourself. Having dissociated, check out what further
personal resources you need to be able to accept the
feedback and then give those resources to yourself before
stepping back into your own shoes (associating) in order to
accept the feedback for real. If you have not done this
before, it helps to do it in your imagination “offline” with
feedback that you either anticipate getting and you feel
might be challenging, or that was offered to you and you
found difficult to accept at the time. The more you do this
the more you are able to do it “online” whenever you need
more resources to accept what is being offered.
❏ Take full responsibility for building and maintaining rapport
with the giver of the feedback even (and especially) if the
giver is not taking any responsibility for this themselves.
❏ Seek fully to understand the feedback by questioning
(precision questions, Chapter 6, work wonderfully in this
situation). For example, ask, “In what way do I do that?” “What
is it that I do that gives you that impression?” “Give me
examples of how I do this?” These would all be questions
that would demonstrate your willingness to accept the giver’s
perception and learn from it. (What they don’t do is
rationalize, explain, defend, or attack in any way whatsoever.)
❏ If the feedback indicates that you have upset, annoyed, or
caused any negative emotions in the giver of the feedback,
apologise for that even though you may have been unaware
of that effect at that time. In this way you are taking
responsibility for the effects you have on others.
❏ Check out what it is that you can do instead. Ask, “What do
I have to do for you to know that I do... (whatever the giver
is saying you don’t do)?”
❏ Imagine yourself having taken on board the feedback and
now behaving in way that demonstrates you have done so.
Do this in a way that fits not only for the giver but also with
the other key people in that context.
The effect of accepting feedback in this way is to encourage the
giver to want to give more feedback in the future. You are thus
making a significant contribution to creating a climate of
learning, whether in a business or a personal relationship.
Seek to understand the
feedbackGIVING AND RECEIVING FEEDBACK 343