than 90 percent of our ability to influence lies outside of the
actual words we use.
If we don’t understand and respect difference, we are liable
to judge what we don't know as negative. For example, in the
UK there is a very much higher expectation of feedback to what
we say (even if it is just a grunt) than is the norm in many other
cultures. Consequently, we can find lower levels of response
to what we say (especially when we are talking over the phone)
very disconcerting. We might, for example, be tempted to
misread it as disinterest.
We do not only limit ourselves by what we can say, but the
choices we make about how we use words make
communication even more risky. When we don’t understand
what we hear, in a meeting for example, most of us are unlikely
to say so. If we don’t entirely agree with what someone is
saying, most of us are likely to say that they do agree or say
nothing. However, whatever choices we make with the words
that we do and do not use, our nonverbal behavior does signal
what we truly feel.
By learning to pay attention to body language signals we
can:
❏ Know when to end a conversation.
❏ Tell to what extent the person to whom we are speaking has
understood what we are saying.
❏ Determine the level of agreement we have achieved.
❏ Recognize the degree to which we have touched the core
motivation of the person to whom we are talking.
❏ Establish how we represent time and the impact of that on
the way we use our time.
❏ Tell when we have created a connection and the beginnings
of a relationship.
❏ Determine when we have established a deep level of rapport.
❏ Recognize what kind of emphasis in a presentation will work
best in getting our message across.
❏ Tell if we have read and respected the culture of the person
with whom we are dealing.
In the NLP process of modeling particularly, it is by watching
and listening to body language that we can:
THINKING WITH YOUR BODY 67