Illustration by Louise Zergaeng PomeroyI recently broke up with someone I had
been seeing for several months — not a
long relationship, but a very intense one.
In our breakup I realized that there
was a lot about him I did not know, and
I no longer trust him the way I once did.
Is there an ethical way to ask him to
delete nude pictures he may have on his
phone? Part of me feels that if they
are received, they are yours to keep, but
I no longer feel comfortable with his
holding them. Any sugg estions on how
to navigate this without retaliation?
H.Y.
His to keep? Yes and no. When he
received these pictures from you, you
gave him some property rights in them
and not others. In particular, you weren’t
granting him permission to share them
with anyone else. You retained a reason-
able expectation of privacy. It’s natural
to say that you ‘‘shared’’ the pictures with
him, and that verb is quite apt, because
when you pressed Send, you were not
fully relinquishing your ownership.
You’re free, of course, to ask him to
delete these images, and to remind him
that he doesn’t have your consent to share
them. A decent person would accede to
that request, and wouldn’t need that
reminder. But he may take the view that
he’s entitled to these mementos. And even
if he promised to delete them, you’d have
no way of knowing whether he had really
done so. You’d have to trust someone you
fi nd less than trustworthy.
You mention retaliation. Do you think
that asking him to delete them would
make it more likely that he would circu-
late them — perhaps to a selected person,
perhaps more widely? Most states crim-
inalize the nonconsensual dissemination
of nude or sexual images, subject to var-
ious conditions.
But your aim is to avoid the violation
in the fi rst place. You’ll be the best judge
of how to manage your ex; I’ll just note
that asking people to do something
they’re not obliged to do needn’t be
antagonizing. Politely let him know that
you regret having shared these pictures
with him, that you hope he will delete12 1.23.22 Illustration by Tomi Um
them and that you trust he will continue
to respect your privacy.I went over to my father’s house one recent
morning to do some work while my fl oors
were being cleaned. I told my father the
day before that I would be coming over in
the morning and then texted again a few
minutes before heading over. I have a key
to his place, so I let myself in. I quickly
realized that my father was not prepared
for my arrival and was in the shower. I
shouted hello and headed into the kitchen
area. In the kitchen, a brightly colored
vibrator was charging. I was very surprised
to see this, especially as his girlfriend of
six years was currently out of town and
would not be returning until the following
evening. I called out to my dad that I was
going to go for a quick walk to get some
air, and when I returned the vibrator was
gone. I know there are a number of possible
explanations, including that he was pre-
paring for his girlfriend’s return. However,
my father does have a history of infi delity,
and it makes me sad to think that he may
be lying to his current partner. I honestly
do not want to broach what I saw with
my father, but do I have an obligation to let
his girlfriend know of my suspicions?Name WithheldFirst, you saw what you saw because your
father trusted you with a key to his home.
Although you texted him, you don’t say
that he gave you reason to think he read
your texts. So we’re talking about what you
saw by gaining entry, unannounced, to
someone’s home. Second, his girlfriend’s
relationship to you passes through him, so
to speak; your obligations to her are lesser
than your obligations to him. Third, you
have no relevant knowledge to impart,
just speculation. (As you note, there are
a number of possible explanations.) Yes,
if he were being unfaithful and she didn’t
know it, she would be better off , other
things being equal, if she did. But that’s
a wrong for him, not for you, to put right.
I’d say you owe it to your father to keep
your own counsel about this violation of
his privacy. And you owe it to yourself to
put it out of your mind.A Facebook friend of mine, who is on the
faculty of my university but whom I’ve never
met, was instrumental in introducing me
to a publisher for a manuscript I have beenCan I Ask My Ex to Delete
Those Nude Pics?
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Eighth Avenue, New
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(Include a daytime
phone number.)Jamie writes: My
fiancé, Jesse, refuses
to let our adorable
dog, Chuck, into the
bathroom while he —
Jesse — is engaged
in time-intensive
bathroom activities.
Our house is old and
drafty, and only has
one bathroom, and it
is the only space that
has heated floors.
Jesse prefers privacy
in the bathroom and
argues that Chuck
has his own heating
pad on the couch.
Please order him to
let Chuck in!
————
I’m sure you love
your fiancé almost
as much as you
love your dog, but
consider: Would you
want Jesse sprawled
on the bathroom
floor watching you
as you take care of
your most intimate
human business?
Actually, don’t answer
— maybe you would!
But your preference
doesn’t matter.
Jesse is not only a
human, but a different
human from you,
and he deserves to
make his own privacy
settings. I order
Chuck, meanwhile,
to enjoy his heating
pad, continue to be
adorable and keep
pooping in public like
the dog he is.Bonus Advice
Fr o m J u d g e
John HodgmanThe Ethicist By Kwame Anthony Appiah