me if I start doing it?”) and bad experiences (“Why should I do it and embarrass
myself again?”).
4.2.2.2 A Wealth of Good Reasons
Why are feedback and a subsequent discussion so important for effective commu-
nication? Here is an overview of the main reasons:
We get to know ourselves and our partner. Feedback makes us realize how our
behavior affects others.
We can better assess the effects of our behavior.
We recognize what is important for our cooperation.
Above all we see where there are pitfalls and obstacles to cooperation.
We talk about how we can improve our conduct and reduce disruptive factors.
We provide behavioral recommendations.
We encourage our partners to continue their “correct” behavior and to change their
“misbehavior.”
We become more secure with others. This particularly applies to employees and
their behavior towards their superiors.
We are more responsive to the expectations and demands of others.
We recognize that we must adjust our expectations concerning others.
We do not keep all of our critical feelings towards others (disappointment, anger
and frustration) bottled up, but speak about them. As such, we don’t swallow our
negative feelings, but instead rid ourselves of them (in a reasonable tone, and in a
constructive manner).
We do not keep the other party in the dark with regard to their feeling that
something is wrong with our relationship. By talking about this openly, commu-
nication becomes more relaxed.
We clear up misunderstandings that can quickly lead to conflicts.
The resultant benefits are obvious: the objective cooperation will be strength-
ened, interpersonal relationships will improve, motivation to work will be boosted,
personal development is promoted, and the working atmosphere is also improved.
In short: in order to improve the “what” aspects of cooperation, we must first
reexamine the “how” aspects. Feedback thus serves as a guide to both the manager
and the employee.
4.2.2.3 “I” Messages Instead of Tit-for-Tat
Feedback should be structured and received in keeping with the guidelines above.
Unfortunately, this is usually not the case. Feedback often sounds too much
like criticism or is at least perceived as such by the recipient. Lack of self-
confidence colors our perceptions; we see hidden attacks even in benevolent
advice. And we respond accordingly: with justifications or even tit-for-tat “back
4.2 Tools as Means to an End 215