“The central relationship conflict (CRC) permeates our private life and is the
basis of repeated relationship conflicts. It also naturally influences everything
we experience on the job. The CRC of leadership also determines the business
culture and the decision-making within the organization” (de Vries 2002, p. 51).
The recognition of one’s own CRCs and those of others is complicated, because the
past distorts the present. We transfer previous experiences with people to current
relationships, influencing our behavior in the present. Our expectations become
self-fulfilling prophecies. Kets de Vries notes, “Character is a form of memory. The
internal drama of a person and the configuration of the essential personality features
manifest themselves in it” (de Vries 2002, p. 26). Many managers neglect their
inner experiences. They avoid examining their inner processes, do not pay attention
to themselves and their feelings and in doing so, erect a “manic wall of protection.”
However, in this way they become prisoners of their own psyche and go through life
without knowing what they are a slave to.
“Mental health requires that the individual has choices. Our internal drama
rarely changes, and we cannot change certain preexisting internal processes, but
we can decide how to respond to our central desires. We are the architects of our
fate, the authors of our own script – or at least we can be” (de Vries 2002, p. 58).
2.2.7.2 In the Transference Trap
According to Kets de Vries the chief explanation for the failure of well-trained and
highly motivated professionals is “transference.” It decisively affects each human
relationship and how we live together. The term “transference” is used because
“none of our relationships is a new one; each is influenced by earlier relations. And
the relations with the strongest long-term effects (...) are those of our first months
of life. Therefore we treat persons in the present just as we did persons from the
past. For example, we behave as children do with their parents and forget that in the
meantime we’ve grown up” (de Vries 2002, p. 83).
Examples of transference at the workplace include situations like a boss asking
his secretary for a small correction in a document, causing her to break into tears, or
a young manager reacting strongly to the criticism of an experienced older col-
league. The contact with authority, criticism and power in the family determines
our later relationships to authoritarian, critical or powerful people, especially as
we climb the career ladder. And especially managers tend to evoke transference
processes in themselves and in others.
In Kets de Vries’ diagnosis many managers suffer from transference, as they are
practically addicted to receiving affirmations of their own worth. The parents were
the first to provide this affirmation, and now colleagues have taken the place of
parents. Leaders may speak of “constructive criticism,” but the hierarchy can result
in colleagues saying only what they believe the boss wants to hear. Praise and
recognition can be mere hypocrisy and an effort to accommodate the speaker, as
a result of which managers can soon find themselves surrounded by yes-men and
lickspittles. Such double-layered communications lead to a fear of conflicts
72 2 Occupation or Calling: What Makes for Good Leadership?