Chapter 12
The problem with personality-based
conflict is personalities are very difficult to
change. She may admit she needs to be
more organized and will “work on it.”
Inevitably, she slips up and causes him to
become even more agitated.
“I thought you said you were going to try
to help us be on time!”he shouts.“No,an
apology just won’t cut it this time!You just
don’t care how this embarrasses me,do you?”
Personalities don’t change overnight.
Deeply ingrained patterns of behavior are
very difficult to erase.
Situational Conflict.Instead of insisting
a person change immediately, perhaps it
would be better to encourage the person to
change something about a particular
situation or circumstance which tends to
exacerbate a personality flaw. For example,
perhaps in the situation above, the wife is
trying to get the children dressed and
ready to go. Instead of berating her for
always making them late, the husband
could pitch in to help, or could make sure
everyone gets up a few minutes earlier. By
sharing the burden, they allow themselves
time to get to where they need to be.
Situational conflictis usually much
easier to handle than personality-based
conflict. For example, a wife spends over
an hour commuting to and from her job
every day. She is angry she has to “waste” 2
hours a day and 10 hours a week in travel
time, not to mention the cost of fuel.
When she arrives home after work, she is
usually short-tempered with everyone. If
she changes her situation and finds a job
closer to home, even if it means a lower
salary, it helps to defuse her anger.
While family members work to change
personality flaws, they need to
acknowledge that certain situations make
personality flaws particularly noticeable.
In the examples above, the husband was
unreasonably angry because he felt his
wife was making them late to church. The
wife was unreasonably angry over having
to commute a long distance to work.
Whenever possible, people should assess
the situations which inflame personality
flaws. In both cases, the personality flaw
was unreasonable anger. If they were not
able to change their situations, they would“I thought you said you made a reservation!”
Unexpected situations can exacerbate personality
flaws or it can be a time to pull together and work
together to solve the problem.Peter Cade / Iconica / Getty Images