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Conflict in Families

members exercise each of the five patterns

to make decisions about when it is most

appropriate to compromise, resolve, win,

yield, or withdraw. Different situations call

for different responses.

For example, the decision to marry

should never be acompromise: “I’ll marry

you if you do _____ for me.” But

housework readily lends itself to

compromise: “I’ll do dishes tonight if you

will vacuum tomorrow.”

A family member might need to

compete towinover others: “It is wrong

for you to have an abortion. Here are the

reasons why.. .”

It may be necessary for one family

member toyield toanother: “I will trust

that you know how we should invest this

money.”

It might be appropriate towithdrawto

avoid conflict altogether: “I know we don’t

agree on politics, so we will just not

discuss it.”

It is certainly wise to “pick one’s

battles,” acknowledging some things are

just not worth fighting over, while other

things should never be compromised.

In the 1970s, Thomas and Kilman

(1974) identified five styles of conflict

resolution based on varying degrees of

cooperativeness and assertiveness. These

styles continue to be widely used today in

describing conflict resolution and include:

Competitive:Individuals, who tend to

use the competitive style, know what they

want and take a firm stand on it. They

usually operate in a position of power

which may create resentment in others.

Collaborative: People who tend to use

the collaborative style try to meet the

needs of all involved. They tend to be

highly assertive but cooperative.

Compromising: These individuals try to

find a solution that will at least partially

satisfy everyone. The compromiser expects

everyone including himself to give up

something.

Accommodating: This individual seeks

to meet the needs of others at their own

expense. They are not very assertive but

are highly cooperative.

Spouses who consistently need to win can be very

harsh, persuasive and demeaning.

© iStockphoto.com / kenhurst

SIDEBAR12.2
An Example of the Incongruence of
Expectations

“We live by encouragement and die without it—
slowly, sadly and angrily.”
Source:Biography for Celeste Holm