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Conflict in Families

Ephesians 5:21 calls husbands and wives to
“submit to one another out of reverence for
Christ.”When spouses respond to each
other’s needs and interests, they are more
likely to resolve their conflicts. Couples who
are more focused on their own self interests
are more likely to compete against each
other, with self interest at the forefront.

Constructive Conflict Management

American culture—including its
movies, television shows, and popular
songs—seems to assert that people who
truly love each other will never quarrel. In
reality, quite the opposite is true. Conflict
in intimate relationships is inevitable. The
more intensely couples love, the more
intensely they will disagree. The key to
marital fulfillment is not the avoidance of
conflict, but the successful management of
conflict. These are skills which take many
years to develop.
Because children have underdeveloped
conflict management skills, they frequently
quarrel and fight with their siblings and
friends. As people mature, they learn more
constructive ways to resolve differences.

Twelve Rules for Fair Fighting

Conflict management skills are learned
skills, not ingrained abilities. The success
of families hinges on their ability to learn

these important skills. The Balswicks

(2006, p.124) suggest the following 12

rules for fair fighting:

Five Steps to Resolve Conflicts

Balswick and Balswick (1999) suggest

five steps to resolve conflicts.

1. One issue only. Identify the issue
   and don’t veer from it.


2. Choose the time and place. Agree
   on a neutral place and time.


3. Be prepared. Know and abide by
   the rules. Bring a proper attitude.


4. The past is the past. Refuse to“bring
   up the past”in a current fight.


5. No surprise punches. Emotion-
   laden areas are off limits.


6. No hitting below the belt. Sensitive
   areas divert the issue.


7. Don’t dismiss. Don’t be flippant or
   make light of problems presented.


8. No “why”-questions allowed.
   Blame or accusation often lies
   behind “why” questions.


9. Dyad vs. triad. Keep it between the
   two of you—no third person
   allowed.


10. Don’t ridicule. Ridiculing is rude.
    No put-downs or name-calling.


11. Veto power. Signal technical
    error when rules are broken.


12. Break at the end of each round.
    Short breaks ensure bodily rest.