Chapter 13
While all of these behaviors appear in
good marriages, the balance between
positive and negative interactions is a
critical factor in predicting marital
success. In good marriages, according to
Gottman, the ratio of positive to negative
interactions is typically 5 to 1 (5 positive
interactions for every 1 negative
interaction), even during times of conflict.
Therefore, couples are more prone to
divorce when negative comments and
behavior begin to outweigh positive ones
(Gottman, 1995, 1999).You defend.Instead of seeing what
part of your partner’s criticism might
be true,you simply defend your point
and desire to be right.Thus,a
defensive partner denies
responsibility for any part of a
problem.Here is what Proverbs says:
“The fool who provokes his family to
anger and resentment will finally have
nothing worthwhile left”(Proverbs
11:29 TLB).Therefore,criticism
begets defensiveness; defensiveness
begets more criticism,and
defensiveness leaves little room to see
your partner’s perspective.- Contempt:According to Gottman,
it takes 20 positive comments to
make up for one “zinger.” It is easy
to see that couples in this
criticism/defensiveness pattern are
moving quickly downhill in terms
of building a caring, warm
relationship. Contempt is the
suggestion you aresuperiorin some
way to the other person. This is
often seen in a very specific facial
expression—one side of the mouth
is drawn further to the side,
creating an “unhappy” dimple—
and is often accompanied by a roll
of the eyes.
The result: couples become
emotionally divorced.All the passion
and energy which once filled the
relationship have now turned
into a seething ember of hostility
in their souls. The writer of
Proverbs says,“It is better to live in
a corner of an attic than in a
beautiful home with a cranky,
quarrelsome woman” (25:24 TLB)
and “A quarrelsome man starts
fights as easily as a match sets fire
to paper” (26:21 TLB).- Stonewalling:Stonewalling is defined
as avoidance of the issue in any way
possible—refusing to engage and
provide feedback.It can be verbal,as
in a comment,or nonverbal,as in
walking away.Stonewalling prevents
resolution of conflict,and as conflict
grows,so does resentment.In
contrast,Proverbs 25:12 (TLB) states,
“It is a badge of honor to accept valid
criticism.”