to win favor by my looks, my performance at school, all things
external—but inside, I felt unworthy for anyone to love me.
Perhaps on the outside, I looked like I had it all together, but on
the inside I was crumbling.
Two nights before, I slumped alone, under my covers, weeping
desperately and physically aching as though something inside
was going to burst. No matter what I accomplished, how hard I
attempted to be excellent, I always fell short. Deep longing to
be known and still loved haunted me daily.
Too young to understand, I had not realized that somehow, I
had received a message from my family and the world, that their
love was based on my performance. And the world of my
friends said the same thing—if you do the right things, you will
be acceptable. If you pleased them, you would be popular, but
if they saw the real you, they would be not want to know you.
If I made a mistake or chose different values than them, I would
be ignored or condemned.
Love had been conditional, based on my performance and I
never knew when I was going to be “in” or “out” of acceptance
in my life. I had been surrounded by those who felt free to
criticize me and I had listened to their messages.
I sought the impossible. I had been striving my whole life to be
enough to impress my family to notice me, to affirm the
longings in my heart to be noticed, heard, understood, loved
for who I was as I was. All I wanted was to curl up in the arms
of someone strong who would truly love me, for the comfort
and security I had always longed for but never quite
experienced. But I could never, would never admit that out
loud!