278 Part IV: Using Words to Entrance
Question-Asking Tips and Strategies
Before rushing on to the critical question you probably want answered –
‘what are the magic questions that do make a real difference?’ – take a quick
breather and consider how to ask questions when you’re working with
people, which is just as important as what to ask.
In this section, we encourage you to challenge your personal style and
assumptions and adapt your own behaviour in order to function at your best,
whether you’re the client or in the coaching seat.
Cleaning up your language: Removing bias
Have you ever wondered how many questions you ask that make assumptions
based on what you want, and your personal map of reality, rather than what
other people want? Human beings find that not projecting their ideas, needs,
wants, and enthusiasms on to others is difficult – especially on to those
closest to them. You influence other people all the time; you just can’t help it.
For that reason, most questions aren’t what we call clean – in the sense that
they assume something, as in the famous ‘when did you stop beating your
wife?’ question.
Even the one small word beating has different meanings for different people.
Did you think of beating in the context of physical violence, or in the
competitive sense of winning at a sport or game, or something else entirely?
Therapists go through many years of training in order to work with their
clients like a clean mirror, which can simply reflect the issues back to clients
so they can deliberate on them. Some mirrors get to shine brighter than
others! After all, you know how much you can communicate just through one
raised eyebrow or a suppressed giggle. (This is the reason why Freud had
his clients lying on a couch while he, as the therapist, sat behind the client’s
head!)
If you want to be respectful of other people’s views, make a point of noticing
how well you can avoid prejudicing the result of a discussion. Are you telling
somebody else what to do based on what you would do yourself?
Beware of making the kinds of generalisations or limiting decisions that we
talk about in Chapter 15. Listen to what you say, and if you hear yourself
issuing instructions that begin with words such as you ‘must’, ‘should’,
‘ought to’, and ‘can’t’ – the time is right to stop directing the action and
imposing your stance on others.
