Chapter 18: Asking the Right Questions 283
Recognising that the way you behave is what counts
Own up now... have you ever shouted at someone, ‘Stop shouting at me!’?
Nonsense, isn’t it, expecting someone else to do what you clearly aren’t
demonstrating in your own behaviour. Yet people do it all the time. You can
easily see in someone else the negative qualities that you want to change in
yourself.
The art of encouraging somebody else to change is to model that behaviour
yourself. If you want somebody to become curious, be curious yourself. If you
want someone to be positive and helpful, you too need to model that behaviour.
If you think that someone just needs to lighten up, inject some fun into the
proceedings.
Instead of expecting other people to change, lead the way yourself. One of
the best lessons we can pass on is ‘The way you behave with other people
determines the way people behave with you.’
So when you ask questions, do so with awareness of how you’re behaving as
much as what you say.
Pressing the pause button
Silence is golden. Pausing for a moment when one person has finished
speaking is helpful, and in turn lets you think before you speak.
Alan Whicker, presenter of the fascinating Whicker’s World television series,
has a unique style of interviewing people. He asks a question and leaves a
long pause after he gets an answer. The interviewees, feeling the need to fill
the silence, elaborate with details that give far greater insights into their
personality than the initial answer did.
Pauses give other people critical space to process what you said and to
consider their reply.
Simply giving people unhurried time to think within a structured framework
of questioning is a huge benefit in business and family situations. Listening
to others is a generous act and an undeveloped, undervalued skill in most