284 Part IV: Using Words to Entrance
organisations, which is why coaching is so powerful. Trained coaches
understand the power of listening and the importance of powerful questioning
combined with silence so that clients can process their thoughts. They listen
not only to what’s being said, but also to the message beneath the words,
paying acute attention to what they see as well as recognising the importance
of getting clients into the most resourceful state to solve their own issues.
Great listeners create productive meetings, build strong relationships, and
find the insights to solve complex issues.
Testing your questions
If you have any doubts about whether your question is appropriate to help a
person or situation move to a better place, stop and ask yourself the following:
✓ ‘Is my next question going to add value in this conversation? Is it taking
us closer to where we want to go? Is it going to move us further apart?’
✓ ‘What is the outcome or result I’m looking for here?’
If in doubt, stay silent until a more powerful question comes into your head.
You may then find yourself asking the person to take the lead by asking
something like ‘What’s the most useful question to ask yourself here?’ or
even ‘Can you tell me the most useful question I could ask you?’
Making positive statements the norm
When we say to you, try really hard and don’t think of a pink elephant, what
happens? Yes, of course, you immediately think of a pink elephant, you just
can’t help it! Similarly, if you say to a child ‘Don’t eat those sweets before
tea.’ What happens? The child is compelled to eat the sweets – you’ve
inadvertently issued a command.
The brain doesn’t distinguish the negatives – it ignores the ‘don’t’ and thinks
‘do’. Better to say to the child ‘Tea’s coming, so save your appetite for just
two minutes’
Figuring Out What You Want
Knowing what you want can be the greatest challenge, because it’s a constantly
moving feast. Sometimes you can get what you think you wanted and yet
be disappointed, because in fact that wasn’t what you really wanted at all!
To figure out what you really want, you have to ask yourself two questions:
‘What do I want?’ and ‘What’s that going to do for me?’
