Chapter 20: Making Change Easier 321
Jim also found himself at a loss with leisure time and holidays. He slowly
developed new strategies (check out Chapter 12 for more on this area)
for deciding where to go and how to organise trips. Initially, he took
holidays where he was able to acquire new skills. Jim had always
enjoyed cooking and so his first holiday was to book a week in Tuscany
to learn authentic Italian cooking and discover the flavours of Tuscan
wine. Eventually, he was able to go on tours and see parts of the world
Alicia and he hadn’t got around to seeing.
Jim had to force himself to do things on his own, like going to the
cinema. He took up hobbies that kept him interested in life, but his
biggest thrill was to help a charity with its accounts.
✓ Beliefs and values: Jim found his beliefs around the future were
shattered. Initially, all he saw when he looked into his future was darkness
and loneliness. As the weeks became months, Jim began to see small
glimmers of light as he forced himself to keep busy and engage with
people. Interestingly, he says, on re-examining his values around his
work and relationships he found that they hadn’t changed although his
values around ‘life’ had shifted dramatically. Before, they had focused
on what was important to him about his life with Alicia – companionship,
love, laughter, fun. He discovered that although he believed intellectually
in love, he was too frightened to even contemplate the consequences of
finding it again. He decided his highest value is leaving a legacy that’s
going to help people live more joyfully and ‘add happiness to the
collective unconscious’.
✓ Identity: What frightened Jim most was the loss of part of his identity.
For 30 years, he’d been Alicia’s husband. His role in life was to look after
her. He said he felt adrift, rather like Scarlett O’Hara saying, ‘Where shall
I go? What shall I do? Whom do I look after now?’ This stage is the
hardest part of rebuilding his life but he has discovered that he has to
do this a piece at a time. Two years on, holes still exist and can catch
him out, but he recites the litany he found that gives him comfort, ‘This
too shall pass.’
We offer Jim’s anecdote to help you understand what you’re likely to
experience when you encounter change in your life, so that you find it easier
to work through the change instead of fighting it and making change harder.Make a copy of Table 20-2 and use it to record the insights you get as a result
of change that is happening in your life and to write down things you could do
differently to make change easier.