Chapter 2: Some Basic Assumptions of NLP 27
Tom, a little eight-year-old boy, was being bullied at school. He was resource-
ful enough to ask his father for help in dealing with the bullies. His father told
him to behave more assertively and with more confidence. Tom had no idea
how to do so.
Tom’s hero, however, was Arnold Schwarzenegger, and so his father taught
him the circle of excellence exercise (which we describe in Chapter 9) and
asked Tom to imagine that he was Arnie as he stepped into the circle. Tom’s
new-found confidence affected his behaviour, his body language, and his
attitude. As a result Tom’s tormentors faded away and his street cred went
through the roof with other little victims begging to discover his technique.
The circle of excellence is a brilliant NLP anchoring technique for psyching
yourself up by building a powerful resource state.Every behaviour has a positive intent
Unfortunately this presupposition also applies in reverse, to bad or non-
productive behaviour. With bad behaviour, the positive intention behind it,
called secondary gain, is obscured.Secondary gain is the benefit someone gets unconsciously from a particular
behaviour that’s normally considered to be disempowering or bad. For exam-
ple, a child may play the clown in class in order to gain acceptance by their
peers, even though their teachers and parents find this clowning around quite
destructive when they want them to be well behaved.The youngest of five children, Janet, had suffered from a bad back for as
long as she was able to remember, and doctors found no reason for the pain.
Janet’s mother was a flighty, self-centred woman who was more interested in
partying than her family. As a child, Janet’s siblings helped her by carrying her
books and making sure that Janet was taken care of.The back pain became really bad after Janet’s daughter was born, and so her
husband did all the shopping and carrying of, and looking after, the baby.
The little girl grew up to become ‘mummy’s little helper’ and was always at
her mother’s beck and call. When Janet finally agreed to see a therapist, she
was able to acknowledge that her bad back pain was psychosomatic. She
realised that it was her way of getting the love and attention she had craved
from her mother but never received.Janet’s behaviour is a brilliant demonstration of this presupposition, because
the secondary gain for her was to have her family run around after her, and
what she really wanted was to have her craving for love and attention satis-
fied. When Janet realised her need, she was also able to recognise that she