122 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating
GETTING OVER A BROKEN HEART
Having someone break up with you can be a very painful experience. Even if
you aren’t madly in love with the person, it’s natural to feel rejected when you
hear the words, “I want to break up with you.” You might have suspected that
the relationship wasn’t working, or you might have thought everything was
going fine. Either way, when someone says good-bye, it can come as a shock.
What should you do if someone breaks up with you? First, ask your
boyfriend/girlfriend to be honest about what’s going on. You might ask, “Why
do you want to break up?” This will make your bf/gf stop and think about
the reasons. Understand, though, that the person breaking up with you is
probably feeling as uncomfortable as you are and may want to avoid a long
conversation. In fact, he/she may want to get away from you and be alone, and
you might feel that way, too. If you’re upset by the news, spend some time by
yourself. Later, when both of you are calmer, talk about what happened, if the
other person is willing.
I vividly remember being “dumped” by my boyfriend when I was sixteen.
There was no “I don’t think we should see each other anymore” announcement.
Instead, he stopped talking to me and completely ignored me. I couldn’t figure
out why his feelings toward me had changed (I still don’t know). What I do
know is that I was terribly confused and hurt by the experience. He wasn’t a bad
person—he just didn’t want to deal with my reaction. I’m sure that if he’d had
the maturity to be honest and direct, this would have softened the blow. I still
would have been upset, but at least I wouldn’t have wasted so much time and
emotional energy wondering what happened.
If you’ve been dumped, you know how much it hurts. (You may be hurting
from those feelings right now, in fact.) What can you do to get over the pain?
Before you look for a quick fix, it’s important to realize that you’ve suffered a
loss. With the loss of any close relationship, you need time to grieve. A period
of grieving is natural and healthy, and it gives you the chance to mourn the rela-
tionship you’ve lost.
After you’ve felt your sadness for a while, start thinking about letting go and
moving on. No one can tell you how much time you should spend grieving,
because each person handles these feelings differently. Just be aware that if your
sadness over a breakup takes control of your life and the loss becomes the only
thing on your mind, you may be “stuck” in your grief (in which case you may
need to talk to a school counselor or another adult who can help).