Kwame Anthony Appiah teaches philosophy
at N.Y.U. His books include ‘‘Cosmopolitanism,’’
‘‘The Honor Code’’ and ‘‘The Lies That Bind:
Rethinking Identity.’’In many places,
children expect
to support
their elderly
parents and will
subordinate
their interests
to that aim.In a contentious custody battle, each
parent is naturally tempted to exagger-
ate the fl aws of the other. While things
have changed since the period when
you were in a pod together, it’s rele-
vant that (as I assume) both your friends
appeared to be responsible and caring
parents when you did spend time with
them. You worry that your character
claims would be false, though ‘‘true to
me.’’ Really, they’re true or they’re not.
That you put it this way underlines your
uncertainty about how much you know.
So make it clear that you can speak only
about what you were present to see. The
parent who solicited the letter is the one
submitting it to the court, and she won’t
if she or her attorney has reservations
about it. Still, this is a case where the
dictum ‘‘write what you know’’ is worth
taking to heart.and mental illness are false. I wasn’t
present for any of the incidents, so I can’t
say who was right or wrong; we merely
heard stories. On one hand, the claims of
violence could be true, and my account
of her character would be false, although
true to me. On the other hand, if the
claims of violence are false, am I assisting
a system that is denying my child’s friend
interactions with the other parent by not
writing a letter on her behalf? I want to
do what is in the best interest of the child,
while maintaining healthy boundaries. My
husband says not to get involved, and my
instinct is to trust the system. Do I have an
obligation to write a letter on her behalf?Name WithheldThe legal system for deciding matters of
custody is far from perfect. But it’s most
likely to work well if decision makers have
as much useful information as possible. So
accurately describing what you know —
and avoiding conjecture about what you
don’t — should be more helpful than not.love and respect — will be better than each
of you continuing to agonize about it on
your own. In the end, it will be up to you
to decide what you give him. And a lov-
ing father isn’t going to want to under-
mine your chances of living a happy and
successful life, whether that’s here in the
United States or back home nearer to him.
For nearly a year and a half, we were in
a pandemic pod with another family, and
our children became fast friends. We saw
this family nearly every weekend; it was
our only social interaction. A few months
ago, just after the children went off to
diff erent preschools, the parents suddenly
said they were splitting up, much to our
surprise. Several months later, one of
the parents had sole custody, claiming the
other parent was mentally ill and
recounting several violent incidents.
Th e other parent has reached out to ask
us to write a letter on her behalf to support
regaining some custody of her child. She
says that her ex-partner’s claims of violence