Chapter 13. You and your world
Imagine that you’ve planted some seeds to grow carrots. After a few weeks you go
outside to inspect them. You’re disappointed because they’re not growing very well.
You wonder if they need fertilizer, more water, less water or perhaps the sun is too
strong.
You don’t blame the carrots.
Yet, how often do you blame another person when things are going wrong? Your
boss gives you a lousy appraisal – you tell everyone he has no idea how to manage.
Your spouse doesn’t help with anything on the weekend – he/she’s become a lazy
slob. Your relationship is not working but you blame others – it’s their fault, not
yours.
If you nurtured your relationships in the same way you did the carrots, you’d find
that you’ll both grow well. If there are issues, think about what went wrong, as you
did with the carrots, wondering if they needed more water or sunshine. Don’t blame
the other person. You are both in this relationship (and this goes for all relationships:
work, home and elsewhere) and you both contributed to the state it is in now.
Placing blame has no positive effect at all. Blaming others affects your motivation
levels. Remember that you have absolutely no control over anyone else. When you
blame someone else, this then implies that you have no power to change the
situation. Having no power to change something will affect your motivation levels
negatively. It’s seldom true that you have no power to do something to change the
situation. The real truth is that you are choosing to be in a position of no power.
I have sat with countless clients who have huge levels of frustration, anger and
bitterness that come from the feeling that they don’t have the power to change a
situation. They’ll moan and complain endlessly about the other person or their
situation. They often refuse to acknowledge their role in creating the situation as it
is. Only when they get to a place where they are able to do this, can they make
permanent shifts in their lives and relationships.
When you find that your relationship is not working, ask yourself what the other
person needs so that they’ll see you differently. Look at what’s not working, and ask
what changes you can make to shift the relationship. This is where your power lies.
When you feel empowered about more areas in your life, you will find that
motivation comes to you more easily.