Yo u D o n ’ t B o t h H a ve to H a ve t h e
Same Rules
Lots of couples make the assumption that everything has to be
the same for both of them—that you have to have the same set
of rules for both partners. Not true. You can operate under dif-
ferent rules for important areas. The happiest relationships,
the most successful, the strongest, are where both parties see
the need for flexibility in their rules and adjust their relation-
ship accordingly.
I expect you want an example? Of course you do. Let’s sup-
pose one of you is fanatically tidy and the other fanatically
messy (whatever that is). Normally, you would have one com-
plaining to the other all the time about how messy/tidy the
other is. There would be arguments and problems. That’s
because you are both trying to work to the same rule—we
both have to be tidy/we both have to be messy. How about a
different rule? I can be messy; you can be tidy. I can have areas
where I can be messy, and you have areas where you can be
tidy. Now we don’t argue because we have a different rule. I
don’t have to be tidy when it isn’t in my nature, and you don’t
have to be messy when it isn’t in your nature.
Another example? My wife hates being teased, and she hates
being tickled. Me? I’m not bothered. She has the rule that she
is not to be tickled—or teased—and my rule is I can.* You
may be the kind of person who wants to know where your
partner is, whereas your partner is not bothered about where
you are and doesn’t expect you to report on it. You can then
have a rule where your partner tells you where she’s going, to
- No, this is only for my wife. Of course, you can’t come round and tickle or
tease me.