If you’re always available, you become an emotional landfill where
she can go to dump her loads of distress. If you’re not there, she must at
least figure out how to manage her feelings until you get back. Often, she’ll
do that by having an imaginary conversation with you.
I don’t know what your conversations with depressed people are like,
but mine are not strikingly new and different each time. Mostly, I say the
same things over and over, hoping they’ll sink in.
The way they sink in is through those imaginary conversations.
Most of my clients already know what I’m going to say. In my
absence, they can say it to themselves. At times they actually create their
own instructions and follow them because they think they’re coming from
me. If that’s not manipulative enough, I often schedule appointments at
irregular intervals to capitalize on this effect. Clients are sometimes upset
by my inscrutable schedule; they tell me how hard it is to wait for the next
appointment. It’s flattering to be so desperately needed, but I know that
the waiting can do them more good than the appointment.
If you have a friend or family member like Rachel, it will help both
of you to put limits on your availability for discussing emotional issues.
I’m not suggesting that you avoid them, but that you set specific times for
the beginning and end of your talks about how she feels. At other times
do something else, like going for a walk in the park.
The I Absolutely Refuse to Be a Burden Explosion
In Carol’s case, the idea of depression being anger turned inward makes
more sense, as does treatment that involves expressing her aggressive
impulses. Remember, however, that aggression means imposing your will
on the world. It is a continuum that begins with asking for what you want
and saying no to things you don’t want.
Carol never asks for anything for herself, and she never says no to
anybody else. Her life is a flurry of forced cheerfulness and selfless activity,
punctuated by episodes of vague illness that last about a week, during
which she mostly stays in bed and feels guilty about not working.
The latent meaning of Carol’s periods of lethargy is No!But it has
other meanings as well. We also know that she has bipolar disorder, that
there’s a strong biochemical component to her variations in energy and
mood. During the external controlstep of treatment, it took careful bal-
ancing of medications to help her stabilize.
186 ❧Explosions into Sadness