your neocortex, you’ll have an advantage of about 50 IQ points. If you can’t
win with odds like that, don’t play.
Ask for Time
Instincts are quick and dirty. All you may have to do to disrupt them is
slow down. If someone is attacking you, say: “Please give me a minute to
think about this.” No one will ever get angry at you for taking them seri-
ously. Delay may also subtly encourage them to do a little thinking of their
own, which couldn’t hurt. Most important, asking for time will prevent
you from blurting out the first thing that pops into your head, which will
likely be an instinctive response—some form of fighting back or running
away, either of which will make the situation worse.
Instincts follow well-worn paths in the brain. Each step leads auto-
matically and mindlessly to the next. Either fighting back or—unless you
actually leave the scene—running away, no matter how well-disguised,
will reinforce the pattern, and increase the anger. By doing the unex-
pected, you break the ancient rhythm of anger, forcing both of you to use
newer brain systems to figure out what’s going on and how to solve the
problem. Anger becomes far less dangerous when people are thinking
rather than merely reacting.
Listen to Your Heart
While you’re taking those few seconds to think, monitor yourself for the
signs of physical arousal we discussed in the last chapter. If you’re revved
up, ask for a little more time to wind down. Breathe deeply. Go through the
basic calming sequence with yourself. The more aroused you are, the less
likely you’ll say anything constructive. If you’re calm and thinking, you’ll
do just fine, even if you can’t even remember the rest of the steps listed here.
Know Your Goal
The most important thing to think about in the few seconds you’ve bought
for yourself is what you want to happen. This is a serious question, not a
straight line. It’s likely that each of the three parts of your brain is advo-
cating for a different goal. You need to sort them out and choose the one
that makes most sense. Sometimes you want to settle the situation, and
sometimes you just need to get away.
234 ❧Explosions into Anger