“Oh, sorry,” Zack says “But I couldn’t tell from the size of
your paycheck. What did you make last month? Was it $800?”
“Zack, you know the girls were sick, and I was out almost
a whole week.”Zack’s strategy is simple. When asked to do something he doesn’t want
to do, he lashes out in as many directions as possible, hoping to engage his
wife in an argument. In about two minutes he’s brought up every contentious
issue he can think of. The overall strategy is to make it so unpleasant for
her to ask him to do anything that eventually she won’t bother.
This strategy is not conscious. Zack feels a rush of adrenaline when
his plan for an undisturbed evening of tinkering and TV is threatened,
and immediately, in response to his internal validation check, the cassette
tapes in his head start rolling, playing back every annoying thing his wife
has ever done. All he has to do is turn on the outside speaker and he has
a prerecorded argument, full of tried and true hooks to pull her in. He
doesn’t have to think about any of it.
What Zack is doing is blatantly unfair and manipulative, but it works. If
his wife points out how unfair and manipulative it is, it will work even better.
If an angry person has laid mine fields in your life, it’s time to develop some
strategy of your own. Here are some ideas:
MAKE YOUR PLAN BEFORE THE ARGUMENT STARTS. Once the shrap-
nel is flying, it will be hard to communicate with your neocortex, so do
some thinking in advance.
Map out the mine field. What actions and issues bring on explosions?
In Zack’s case, the mines are thickest around any suggestion that he should
help with housework. You can spot a danger zone by asking yourself what
subject you’re most afraid to bring up. Most marital mine fields are laid
around spending money, sex versus affection, the uses of free time, and, the
all-time favorite, one partner’s perception that the other is trying to be
the boss. Once an argument gets going, all of these issues are usually
hauled in like ammunition to the front. In the smoky din of battle it’s easy
to get confused about what you’re fighting for.
PICK YOUR BATTLES, AND FIGHT ONLY ONE AT A TIME. Think about what
you want to happen, and stay focused on that. Objectives should be phrased
The Psychology of Anger ❧ 251