Note how Zack’s wife has neatly closed at least one of the back doors
to discussion. By asking her to tell him what she wants to talk about, Zack
is conceding that he has time to listen. Even angry people will usually play
by these conversational rules. The other thing to note is that in dealing
with the angry, every word seems to move the situation in one direction
or another. To be effective, you have to be deliberate, paying close attention
to what’s actually being said and choosing your responses carefully.
DON’T LET AGGRESSIVE HOOKS PULL YOU OFF COURSE. The favorite
strategy of angry people is getting you angry too. They’re much more
experienced at fighting than you are, so they’re more likely to win. Zack’s
wife did well to ignore his facial display and his accusation of manipulation.
They were merely feints, and had nothing to do with her objective. As she
gets closer, the flak will get heavier. If things get too hot, she may decide
to withdraw, and live to fight another day.
ASK QUESTIONS, DON’T MAKE STATEMENTS. In a battle, you need to
take the high ground as quickly as possible. In discussions with angry peo-
ple, there are several forms of high ground to go for. Be careful; most of
them will not be useful in achieving your goal. If you go for the moral
high ground (I’m good and you’re bad, so you should do as I say) or the
organizational high ground (I’m your boss, therefore you must obey me),
rather than a discussion of issues, you’ll provoke a dispute over your place in
the dominance hierarchy and what, if anything, that entitles. By pulling
moral or organizational rank, you will have set up a situation in which an
angry person must pay obeisance—by doing what you ask—or admit he
or she is wrong. Both outcomes will create a need for the next battle.
It’s much more useful and far less noticeable to take the conversational
high ground by being the one who asks the questions. If you ask a question,
it’s almost a law that the other person must answer before going on. If you
keep asking thought-provoking questions, you can keep control of the con-
versation and perhaps encourage the angry person to think. This cannot hurt.
Questions can also help by making unconscious assumptions con-
scious. When spoken, these assumptions are often far less defensible
than when they’re merely acted upon. Zack’s actions say he shouldn’t be
responsible for any work around the house, but he can’t say this aloud or
he’ll sound like a male chauvinist pig even to himself.
The Psychology of Anger ❧ 253