Subtlety is the key here. All you need is enough disagreement to divert
the flow of a developing harangue, but not enough to make you its target.
As always, soft answers and well-composed questions turn away wrath.
For the next step in dealing with this kind of explosion, look back at
the list of angry people’s most popular cognitions, and ask yourself who
habitually thinks this way. If you’re a parent, you may already have a whole
arsenal of techniques that will work when angry people start playing their
internal tapes. Think distraction.
“Oh, look,” Brandon’s wife says. “Jurassic Park IV is playing at
the mall. Maybe we could go see it tonight.”
“If we ever get home.”
“Want some gum?”If someone else is angry and you stay calm, you have a big IQ
advantage. Use it.
Step 4: Inoculation
Believe it or not, doing therapy with angry people is relatively easy. Once
they realize that anger is the problem, they’re usually open to learning
how to control it.
If a person you know is in anger control treatment, remember that
changing troublesome behavior is not like flipping a switch. All explosive
disorders improve, not by disappearing, but by decreasing over time in
frequency, duration, and intensity. As my angry clients improve, I remind
them that, though they’re doing much better, it will take a long time for
the people around them to notice. Regardless of how successful treatment
may be, for months loved ones will see them as simply being on their good
behavior, and will expect them to revert to their old ways sooner or later.
Eventually it will happen. If a recovering angry person hits his
thumb with a hammer and yells out an obscenity, the people around him
will be afraid that the bad old days are back, and will probably say as much.
At that moment, Brandon, David, Jenna, Brittany, and Zack will
have to look deep inside to see the truth. So will you.
270 ❧Explosions into Anger