7 Young Adulthood 189Social Impact of the Loss
After losing her daughter, Lisa identified a shift in her social and familial
group. As she watched her friends’ children reach their second and third birth-
days, she could not help but think of her own daughter and feel as if she did
not fit in with her friends and family in the same ways as before. Lisa also felt
at times that her friends and family were surprised at how much she would
mention Marissa and how uncomfortable it seemed to make others feel. It was
important for Lisa to know that Marissa was not forgotten by others, that her
life mattered no matter how brief in years it may have been. Neimeyer (2001)
expands on the shifts that can take place in a bereaved parent’s social world;
“They find that people will not mention the child’s name in their presence,
that inquiries about how they are doing imply that it doesn’t hurt as bad as it
does” (p. 81). At a time when social support and understanding can be so heal-
ing, Lisa felt as if no one really could comprehend the depth of her loss. She
found that she was often trying to make others “OK with it.” Lisa found that
she began to look for new social networks and friendships; she found that her
new coworkers did not see her as “the grieving mother,” as they did not know
her before Marissa’s death.Social Work InterventionsLisa and I met five times around the second anniversary of her daughter’s
death. Meeting in her home proved effective as it helped me to gain a larger
understanding of Lisa’s external environment and how it impacted and ritual-
ized the memory of Marissa. Lisa was very comfortable retelling her story of
losing Marissa with someone who was not already a part of her life and who
could allow her to share openly. In working with young adult bereaved par-
ents, it is imperative to work toward validating their experience, as many feel
very isolated in losing a young child. Understanding, empathic listening, and
some education about the grieving process seemed to aid Lisa in her process.
One of the other ideas that we focused on was helping her to find healthy ways
to take care of herself and how to work through her struggles with Mark. Lisa
began to keep a journal close by to write down some of her thoughts for when
she needed to find emotional release.
She also put her feelings down on paper in a letter to her boyfriend, to
attempt to convey to him how she was coping with Marissa’s absence in their
lives. In our final meeting, Mark decided that he would join us for the session
after reading the letter she wrote. While Lisa did much of the talking, Mark was
able to speak some about his response to losing Marissa. Mark shared that he has
trouble putting words to his feelings in speaking about his daughter. He reported
that keeping busy with work and visiting her grave allowed him to “keep going.”
Both Mark and Lisa were able to identify their differing coping styles but were
working to find common ground as they were both committed to keeping their
relationship intact. Mark agreed to listen more, even if he did not have much to
offer himself, and Lisa agreed to go the grave with him more regularly.
In order to help broaden social understanding of their loss, the cou-
ple was referred to the local Compassionate Friends bereavement group,