Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan, Second Edition

188 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan

with peers of the same age and can contribute to the sense of being isolated

and feeling “different” than others in the same phase of the life cycle.

Biological Impact of the Loss

While Lisa and Mark were caring for Marissa through her brain cancer diagno-

sis, the couple found out that they were expecting a second child. Lisa recalls

having great ambivalence about the idea of having a baby while her older

child was battling cancer. Thoughts like “Will I have time to focus on the needs

of a newborn?” or “What if my new baby becomes sick as well?” circled in her

mind throughout her pregnancy. Lisa was honest about the initial few months

in caring for Nicholas. At first, she was reluctant to bond with him as she feared

that she might lose him too. Over time though, she found great comfort and

purpose in being able to maintain and expand her maternal role. “Nicholas

gave me a reason to wake up each morning,” she shared. Barrera et al. (2007)

highlight the same idea: having living children is a predictor of being able to

integrate one’s grief into daily life over time. Caring for her new baby gave her

hope and sense of gratitude for what remained in her life. Having Nicholas to

take care of did not take her pain away, but it did allow her to negotiate the loss

in her life with new meaning and a renewed parental purpose. In observing

Lisa with Nicholas, it was clear to see the joy and meaning that motherhood

gave to her. His life gave her tacit permission to reinvest in her life again.

Psychological Impact of the Loss

One of the primary reasons that Lisa reached out for bereavement counseling

was that she described having an increase in anxiety as the second anniver-

sary of Marissa’s death approached. Lisa described having more vivid dreams,

including one in which she was told that “she was not a good mother.” She

shared that she was starting to believe this in some ways. Lisa remarked that

she did not cry for Marissa like she once did and still wished there was some-

thing she could have done to prevent her death. Barrera et al. (2007) highlight

the idea of the parent-child bond and how grieving can be more complicated

when a child is lost as it may “... heighten profoundly the disruption of paren-

tal self-identity and the parental role as protector and provider” (p. 148) to

their deceased child.

To compound her feelings of anxiety and inadequacy, Lisa struggled with

not being able to share this experience and her interpretation of it with Mark.

Mark retreated from conversations that touched on Marissa and the impact of

her absence in his life. Lisa attributed this in part to Mark’s personality style

and yet she could not help but feel “left alone” in her grief experience. The lack

of communication fostered an increase in hostility between the pair as well

which seemed to be breaking down the relationship structure. Rando (1986,

pp. 25–27) details the myriad challenges that befall a couple when a child is

lost. Often normal patterns of relating are disrupted and guilt can be pervasive.

Guilt stunts conversation within the relationship dyad. This dynamic seemed

to be at play with this pair. Many relationship—and marriage—partners have

great difficulty relating well after the loss of a child.