8 Middle Adulthood 213
Baum (2003) found that men tend to begin mourning later than women,
which may stem from three factors: (a) women initiate divorce more often
than men and thus start their grieving earlier; (b) women tend to be aware
that their marriage is in trouble long before their spouses; and (c) women tra-
ditionally assume the expressive role in the family. For many divorced, non-
custodial fathers, grief for the loss of their ex-wives can be overshadowed by
grief about their children, home, and family life, as well as resentment of the
custody arrangement (Baum, 2003). Clinicians need to be alert to these dif-
ferences when working with divorced men for whom grieving takes a more
active form (often in acting out behavior) in which it appears they are not
mourning the loss of their ex-wives. Clinicians can help men recognize their
acting out (hyperactivity, somatization, and substance abuse) as expressions
of feelings of loss, and assist them in discovering more appropriate mourn-
ing behaviors.
Once they realize they can survive, midlife adults can emerge from
divorce with a revised conception of life and new feelings of possibility.
Separation and divorce produce insecurities and uncertainties, but also new
options (Maata, 2011). Outcomes can be improved by letting go of some past
dreams reassessing goals, and reordering priorities.
The Loss of a Midlife Adult as Experienced by Others
Death of a Life Partner
The most frequent midlife loss after the death of a parent is the death of a
spouse, who is usually another midlife adult. In early midlife, the loss of a
spouse or partner is unexpected. Bereaved spouses can be isolated with their
grief as few friends have experienced this loss. At the end of this chapter, in
Losing Jack: Accidental Death of a Spouse in Midlife Judy Catterton
lation when “helpers” at Jack’s place of employment “just disappeared and
acted like Jack’s death and my pain did not matter enough to follow through
on what they had promised.” Friends sometimes distance themselves from a
bereaved midlife spouse because that person’s grief demands attention to the
discomforting possibility that it could happen to others.
Midlife adults who lose a spouse or partner see their loved one’s death
as a harbinger of their own, and this loss may elicit perspectives more char-
acteristic of older adulthood where death seems imminent. Additionally, the
identity shift from “we” to “I” following the loss of a spouse or partner forces
midlife adults to discover who they are without their spouse. Frank lost his
wife when he was 42 and was left to care for their 4-year-old daughter. He
changed dramatically after the loss:
I do think it has affected my personality. I don’t think I’m as goofy as I
was before. I’m not as lighthearted as before. I’m more vocal. There’s a
weightiness that I feel.... It’s just an excellent way for me to grow up.
I have to deal with the tough stuff sometimes and unpleasant stuff, and
that’s what the real world is about. Maybe I wouldn’t be doing that if
Sarah were around. I had a buffer there. (Walter, 2003, p. 68)
