216 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
throughout her illness, “When the family gathered with the family physician,
they took the case away from me” (Walter, 2003, p. 187). Much like Arden
and her partner, Lea and Corky’s legal Power of Attorney document was not
recognized by the hospital. Although it is more likely that lesbians who marry
may not face this type of discrimination, those who remain unmarried may
still face this discrimination within a society that is slowly changing its norms.
Like many bereaved spouses and partners, Lea developed continuing
bonds (Klass et al., 1996) to cope with her loss. She stays connected to Corky
through her pet-loss bereavement foundation, as Corky “loved all animals.”
Continuing bonds may allow lesbian partners to reveal to themselves the rela-
tionships that are often kept silenced by themselves and the society in which
they live (Bent & Magilvy, 2006).
One (of many) complications gay men face is the reaction of medical pro-
fessionals when a partner dies. Tom was 42 when his life partner, Rob, died
from an AIDS-related illness. Tom has vivid memories of how he was treated
by medical staff when Rob was dying as they would not allow him in the hos-
pital room to comfort his dying partner (Walter, 2003). It is difficult for anyone
to be denied access to a dying partner. Tom’s healing process was complicated
by this denial of an important ritual.
For gay men in midlife who face the death of their partners from AIDS, it
is particularly complicated because in addition to the loss of their partner, they
are confronted with their own mortality and potential for dying in the same
manner. Although this reaction (confronting one’s mortality) is similar to those
of the straight bereaved partners discussed earlier, the bereaved partner of an
AIDS patient faces the fact that he may be infected and may face the demands
of coping with his own illness and possible death. He may feel he is rehearsing
his own death (Walter & McCoyd, 2009). The literature is silent about whether
straight people whose partners die of AIDS experience this same sense of
rehearsal of their own death.
Hornjatkevyc & Alderson (2011) studied midlife non-AIDS related
deaths and found that HIV/AIDS influenced these gay partners’ bereavement
experiences, with others assuming the death was due to AIDS. It is possible
that although our society has moved forward in legitimatizing gay/lesbian
relationships “stigmatizing assumptions about HIV/AIDS could continue
to be directed at bereaved gay men who have lost a partner to any cause”
(Hornjatkevyc & Adlerson, 2011, p. 817). This study also addresses the similar-
ities in bereavement experiences for gay and straight partners: The prior way
of life is lost abruptly and these partners were suddenly ushered into being
“single” after having established a life as a couple.Typical and Maturational Losses of Midlife Adults
Loss Experienced by Parents When Children Leave Home
During midlife, many adults experience the “empty nest.” When the last child
leaves home, changes in the marriage often follow, particularly when the
home has been “child centered,” with parental activities, behaviors, thoughts,
and feelings focused on the children. Many couples experience conflict at this