Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan, Second Edition

8 Middle Adulthood 217

point, having communicated little during the parenting years. Although cou-

ples gain some freedom, they may also feel loss as relationships with their

adult children change and they must find their romantic relationship again.

This is a maturational loss that is often disenfranchised because family and

friends see the change as uniformly positive. Some couples enjoy reworking

their marital relationship and having more time for each other and friends.

They feel “freed up” by the empty next and use it as an opportunity for per-

sonal growth and growth as a couple. At the same time, adult children some-

times return home due to finances or relational conflicts. This “return to the

nest” requires restructuring family life again, and each party may resent the

necessary loss of autonomy.

Loss of the Family Home

Homes symbolically define our sense of place, contribute to our identity, and

add predictability to life (Hooyman & Kramer, 2006). Although home owner-

ship in the United States has declined somewhat since 2008 and varies a great

deal by race and income, it remains extremely common and widely desirable,

especially among couples with children. Indeed, the mortgage interest and

local property tax deduction provisions in the U.S. tax code dwarf other gov-

ernment housing subsidies (Crowley, 2014).

Midlife’s stock-taking may conclude that the family home no longer

serves current needs. Children move out and resettle; partners die or become

incapacitated: for a variety of reasons, the space is no longer right. While there

is little literature about the loss of the family home in midlife, it is an impor-

tant concern of midlife adults. Although many seek a new home to establish a

more satisfying lifestyle rather than from sad necessity, significant and often

unrecognized loss is involved. The home symbolizes memories and space that

are valued and a move may elicit sadness even when desired.

A major secondary loss that accompanies a home sale is the physical

availability of long-term friendships made in the neighborhood as children

are born, grow, and develop. Although new homes bring new friends, and

good friendships can be maintained at a distance, life is different and some-

what diminished without spontaneous, embodied contact with old friends.

Midlife adults can most effectively cope with this maturational change when

it is anticipated and acknowledged. Just as a new lifestyle in a new home pre-

sents the midlife adult with new opportunities for challenge, growth, and a

renewed sense of community, new friendships can also encourage growth in

one’s relational life.

The Transformation of Identity and “Letting Go” of Past Dreams

The transformation of identity is developed further in the next chapter on

retirement and reinvention. That midlife adults let go of previous meanings,

understandings, and dreams is well documented (Arnold, 2005; Levinson &

Levinson, 1996). Although letting go of previous beliefs and aspirations can

allow new ones to be embraced, the transition may be accompanied by a sense

of loss. In our 2009 edition, Shdaimah described how Ben, a legal services

lawyer, had hoped to change the world to be more socially just but had to scale