54 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
remaining three that were unlucky enough to be placed in less ideal spaces in
my uterus. The procedure was not easy, it was extremely uncomfortable and
painful, but somehow I felt that I deserved the discomfort. It was nothing com-
pared to what the three babies who were being reduced would endure.
In the days following the CVS, I began to feel slightly ill. I was running
a very low-grade fever, and had some discomfort in my abdomen. This all
seemed to be “normal” according to the doctors. We received a call a few days
after the CVS that the genetic results were back and that each fetus they tested
was normal. This was the first “good news” we had heard since the original
pregnancy test. While we tried to be happy for the good results, it was dif-
ficult. The reduction was in a week, it was a day that I was dreading but also
something I was looking forward to having behind me.
When the day of the reduction arrived, it was a surreal experience. There
were other women who were having the same procedure done. Seeing those
women made me feel better. I was not the only person making this decision.
When they called my name and we went back for the procedure, the first thing
they did was conduct an ultrasound. Following the ultrasound, the doctor
came in and told us that one of the fetuses they were planning to save was
leaking amniotic fluid. This made sense to me because I had been bleeding and
feeling ill since the CVS. Saving this fetus was no longer an option. He told us
that he now needed to pick a different fetus but that this one would not have
had genetic testing, “Was this OK with us?” At this point, I just told the doctor
to choose a fetus based on location and not to worry about the genetic testing.
I just wanted the procedure over and I wanted no part of deciding which fetus
would be saved. Now I felt so badly for the baby that originally was going to
be saved and now was not, and felt relief for the baby that was suddenly going
to be saved. Once again none of this seemed remotely fair in my mind. Shortly
after I told the doctor to do what he felt best, he completed the procedure. It
was fairly painless physically, but emotionally I just tried to tell myself that it
would be over quickly for all of us. I remember praying through the procedure
and remaining as still as possible. It was a very sad moment.
Following the procedure, I was told to lay down for a half an hour and
then I would be brought to an ultrasound room to look at the surviving babies
and to make sure the procedure had “worked.” I knew this meant that the
doctors would be looking at the other three babies to make sure they were
no longer alive. When we went into the ultrasound room, I had such mixed
emotions. I wanted to see the babies that were alive, it was the first time I
would be looking at them. The excitement was tempered with feelings of sad-
ness and guilt that there were also three babies that were now dead and that I
would not be seeing. The tech showed us the babies and while I tried to focus
on the live babies, I could see limbs of other babies on the screen. I tried my
best not to focus on them. Now looking back, I wish so much I had focused
on them more; after all, they were my babies too. Immediately following the
ultrasound, the doctor came in and told us we were having a boy. We were
not sure of the other baby’s sex because that baby was not genetically tested,
but the one baby was definitely a boy. This news brought excitement and I
had a sense that this was the beginning of something new. The reduction was
behind us and we now had to focus on having two healthy babies, one of
which would be a boy.