the times Saturday April 30 202210 Body + Soul
Many people think
about things that they’d
never want to happen
fantasies of his own is very high.
However, if you do decide to broach
this subject, keep it about your own
fantasies rather than try to draw
his out of him. Preface anything
you say by explaining that you
are telling him about your fan-
tasies because you feel guilty
keeping sexual thoughts from
him. He may not want to hear,
but it is much more likely that he
will want to know all about the
content — so before you say any-
thing, think carefully about the
potential consequences.
Telling your husband that you
think about threesomes while
you are in the throes of passion
with him might leave him feel-
ing hurt, betrayed or rejected.
Or it might turn him on. He
may even want to act them out —
but you may not. It is obviously
your call to make, but generally
speaking, if your sexual fantasy
involves anyone other than your
husband, it is probably safer to
keep it to yourself.
Send your questions to weekend
[email protected]your husband, that’s probably a turn-on. If
it is about someone else, it’s likely that he
would feel betrayed.
For some, an effective fantasy can have
a transformative impact on their sexual
relationship. Indeed, the clinical psycholo-
gist Dr Harold Leitenberg argues that
sexual fantasies can be a way for couples to
satisfy their need for novelty and variety
without threatening their relationship. For
most people it is not that simple, largely
because there is such a massive disconnect
between what people think about and
what they actually do. Many people have
fantasies about very wild sex that they
would never want to happen in real life.
The conflict between what people think
about and what they want to do makes
fantasy a difficult topic to discuss, even
with a close partner, but it doesn’t make
fantasy any less ubiquitous. When he was
researching his book Tell Me What You
Want: The Science of Sexual Desire, Dr Jus-
tin Lehmiller surveyed more than 4,000
people and 98 per cent of them reported
having had at least one sexual fantasy.
Lehmiller’s research suggests that the like-
lihood of your husband having sexualQ
I’m using fantasy
during sex with
my husband —
should I keep this to
myself or tell him? I do
feel a bit guilty.
Suzi Godson
Sex counsel
Do I let him in
on my fantasy?
A
Fantasy is an opportunity for our
imaginations to take a walk on
the wild side, but because what
happens in our heads tends to be
so much racier than what happens in our
beds, most people keep quiet about them.
Keeping these thoughts private also adds
to their erotic charge, and once a specific
sequence of mental pictures leads to an
easy orgasm, it can create a kind of Pavlov-
ian response where your favourite fantasy
triggers arousal and arousal will trigger
your favourite fantasy.
Fantasy is a very powerful aphrodisiac
and a number of studies confirm that it
motivates women to want to have sex, and
can increase arousal. Other studies have
found that sexual fantasy can increase
love and affection in a relationship — but
these effects only occur if the sexual
fantasy is focused on the partner. It’s more
common, however, to fantasise about
someone other than the person you are in
a sexual relationship with. For people like
you, who are wrestling with the “tell or
don’t tell” dilemma, I suggest that the
decision is ultimately determined by
content. If your fantasy revolves aroundMen’s Health
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