W
hen Renault
launched the
sporty little
Alpine A100
five years ago,
James May
went off to test
it for Top Gear
and enjoyed the
experience so
much, he
bought one. And as a result
of that I never reviewed it for
The Sunday Times.
Because what if it was good
and thrilling and wondrous?
I’d have had to say that James
May has bought an Alpine and
that I liked it. And that’s not
possible. Saying to a chap “I like
your new car” is the same as
saying “I like your new shoes”.
It’s just not done.
I once bought a new jacket
from Gieves and Hawkes on
London’s Savile Row and
asked Dylan Jones, the editorof GQ magazine at the time, if
he liked it. “No,” he said. “It
makes you look like a twat.”
This was the correct response.
At every party I ever attend I
always greet male guests in the
same way, by asking, “What the
f*** are you wearing?”
I’m not sure I’m allowed to
say this any more, but I don’t
think women do this. I don’t
watch Loose Women every
morning, I admit, but I can’t
imagine them ever moving the
show along by saying, “And I’ll
hand you over now to Jane
Moore, who is wearing a truly
terrible frock.”
Men would, and it’s
exhausting sometimes. Because
occasionally a colleague will
walk into a meeting wearing a
new overcoat and you’ll think it
looks pretty smart. Nice cut.
Good wool. Right colour. But
you can’t say any of that. You
have to come up withsomething negative. Which
means you have to be creative.
“Ah, hello Nigel. I see you’re
wearing an overcoat. Which
tells everyone in the room you
don’t have a driver.”
I guess partners are off limits.
We have to be nice about those.
And houses. When we are given
“the tour” by the proud new
owners, we usually find it in
our hearts to make only
appreciative noises. Same as we
do with babies for some reason.
But clothes are always a safe
area for negativity, and so are
cars. Especially when you are
in Birmingham, where there is
no word for “wow”. To the
Brummies the Mona Lisa is
“a bit small”, the pyramids are
“too close to Cairo” and Lincoln
Cathedral is “horribly draughty”.
Using nothing but constant
practice, the men of
Birmingham have turned
negativity into an art form. PullDRIVING● Jeremy Clarkson
James May is right (not that I’d ever
tell him) — this car’s a small wonder
REVIEW:
ALPINE A110 S