THE LONG, COMPLEX SPECTRUM OF HUMAN
emotions, people usually think of guilt as skewing to
the negative side, maybe nestled somewhere between
greed and jealousy. But, although it isn’t the most
pleasant feeling in the world, it turns out that guilt
has a good side.
“Guilt can be an adaptive emotion and is associated
with reparative behaviours – it’s actually good to expe-
rience guilt for many reasons,” says Dr. Jessica Tracy, a
professor of psycholog y at the University of British
Columbia in Vancouver and author of Take Pride: Why
the Deadliest Sin Holds the Secret to Human Success.
“Guilt helps you cope with things that go wrong and
allows you to think about something you did – or didn’t
do – and decide whether it’s something you can change,
fix or do differently next time.”
To add another tick to the plus side, a study pub-
lished in Cognition & Emotion last January found
that people who are prone to feeling guilty also
reported that they were good at empathizing and had
strong relationship skills.
Of course, there’s also a downside, and that’s when
guilt slips into shame. “Shame is harder to separate
from who you are as a person,” says Dr. Tracy. “While
guilt is a feeling that can motivate you to do things
better, shame can be crippling and lead to poor self-
esteem.” For instance, let’s say you forgot to call your
mom; you might feel g uilt y a nd resolve to ca ll her f irst
thing tomorrow, which is a healthy response. Shame,
on the other hand, takes it to a whole other level. “It’s
not just a sense of ‘Oh, I forgot to call my mom,’” says
Dr. Tracy. “Instead, it becomes ‘I’m a bad daughter.
I’m lazy, and I’m not good enough.’ It’s a much more
problematic emotion.”
People who feel sha me a lso tend to feel powerless to
change it and may need the help of a professional to
overcome those feelings. That said, an excess of guilt
isn’t ideal either and can cause an unnecessary bur-
best health DECEMBER | JANUARY 2018 29den of stress and anxiety. Of course, there’s no other
time of year when that’s more likely to happen than
over the holidays.
“It’s a time of year when people – women, in par-
ticular – often put a lot of pressure on themselves,”
says Dr. Nancy Hurst, a registered psychologist in
Edmonton. “They sometimes take on extra duties and
get caught up in trying to make everything perfect.
Then they often feel guilty because they have created
unrealistic expectations for themselves or are trying
too hard to please others at their own expense.” The
key is to not let guilt get in the way of having a good
time because ’tis the season after all. Here are six
things you can do to keep your holiday spirits up and
your conscience guilt-free.APPLY LOGIC
Start by taking a step back to put things in perspec-
tive, says Dr. Teri Sota, a clinical psychologist in
Toronto. “It’s important to recognize the psychologi-
cal impact of feeling guilty and to stop the cycle of
rumination and self-criticism over it,” she says. Feel-
ing badly because you had to turn down a friend’s
party invite, or forgot that you’d promised to bake
cookies for your son’s class party and opened the
fridge at midnight only to discover you’re out of but-
ter? Cue the guilt! But Dr. Sota says you need to
address those feelings with mindfulness and self-
compassion. “It’s helpful to ask yourself, ‘Is it reason-
able or appropriate for me to stress about this? Is it
helpful to me or helpful to others? Have I actually
done anything wrong?’” (Then send your son off with
a box of sprinkled doughnuts in the morning – the
kids will be every bit as ecstatic as they would be over
your trademark holiday shortbreads.)SHARE YOUR FEELINGS AND
FIND COMPROMISE
“When I work with clients, I advise them to check in
on what’s going on internally and let the people
involved know what they’re feeling conf licted about,”
says Dr. Sota. “You have the right to say what’s hap-
pening for you emotionally, and it actually creates an
opportunity for authenticity and emotional intimacy
with the people you care about.” When asked to host a
family dinner for the third year in a row, Dr. Sota sug-
gests letting your family know you really want to do it
but that it comes at a cost for you. And encourage
them to share their feelings, too. “It’s important not to
do all the emotional work for others, like assuming