66 marieclaire.com.au
Self-love and self-respect – such big, life-altering
concepts that are so much more than having a long,
relaxing bath and a cup of chamomile tea. So, prompted
by marie claire, I decide to embark on a series
of nerve-wracking challenges in an attempt to be
happier with my body and more comfortable with my
naked self. First up: the gym changing room.
I may be long past the Houdini-style magic tricks
demonstrated at high school, but I can still feel pretty
self-conscious disrobing at the gym. This is not helped by
the fact that my gym is really cool and most of its members
are tall, lithe and hot, in gym gear that makes them look
like they’ve just stepped out of a music video. While I come
out of a gym session red, puffing, sweat pouring over my
oversized grey work-out T-shirt. I’m OK getting naked in
the changing room, but only in a corner by a locker, with
my back turned. I’d never walk from one side of the room
to another – so there’s my challenge, right there.
I go into the gym before work – the busiest time.
When I finish my workout, I head into the changing room
and it’s packed with slim, gorgeous women drying their
hair, moisturising their naked bodies and wandering
around topless. Only as I’m taking my clothes off do I real-
ise how much I am self-conscious of my big boobs, not as
high and perky as I’d like them to be; my tummy, not the
hard and sculpted form I long for; and my bum, which,
despite how many squats I do, is shapeless. I am even
aware that my toes are weird, long and bony “like E.T.’s
fingers” as my friend once jokingly pointed out.
I feel sick and my heart beats faster as I turn
around to face the packed room, walk from my locker
across to pick up a towel and then into the shower. It
takes everything in my power not to clutch
at my boobs or wrap my arms round my
stomach or cover my patchy Brazilian wax.
But, to my utter shock, no-one looks at
me. It’s almost disappointing, it’s as if
I’m wearing clothes. When I think about
it, I’ve never seen someone naked in
a changing room and felt shocked.
Birthmarks, hair, fat, bones, muscle – you
sort of take it as a whole package when
someone is naked. When people are naked they look
like they’re meant to look, no matter how that flesh sits
or hangs. I wondered why I haven’t been able to apply
that same logic to my own body.
I go into my second challenge of frequenting a naked
spa with a new sense of confidence – if I can do that walk
through a crowded change room of half-clothed people,
I can sit in a steam room naked with a bunch of
liberal-minded naturists. But there’s one crucial difference:
in the changing room, it was just women. In the spa, I’m
going to have to get nude around men – categorically the
species I have always felt most self-conscious around. This
is not helped when I read some reviews of the naturist spa
and get the feeling that it may be a place where swinging
and sexual activity happens – particularly during their
“late hours”. Thankfully, I’m going in the afternoon.And I’ve told my flatmates where I’m going to be, just in
case I accidentally get swallowed into a hippie sex cult.
With a towel wrapped around me, I head into
the sauna. There’s a mix of people: some fully naked,
others in swimming costumes or topless. I sit in the
sauna for five minutes firmly swaddled
in my towel, then finally, reluctantly slip
it off to sit on it, starkers.
I hate the experience. Even though they
aren’t looking at me and I don’t feel
examined in any way, I find it really difficult
and exposing to be naked around men
I don’t know. It’s also not helped by the fact
that the two women in there have, in my
eyes, perfect bodies. One has actual abs.
I leave the spa feeling deflated. Any confidence I felt in the
changing room has disappeared and I’ve returned to
feeling like my body is better off covered up.
I wonder how ingrained this feeling is and how easy it
is to rid of it. Brunner tells me it is possible: “Being critical
towards your body is a form of expressing painful
emotions when you have no other means of expressing
them,” she says. “Cultivating true love and acceptance for
your body involves adopting a lifestyle where the commu-
nication between yourself and your body is entirely loving.
Daily meditation and affirmations, or creating a vision
board, are great ways you can focus your attention upon
cultivating these loving responses to painful emotions.”
Armed with that information, I go into my final
challenge – being a life drawing model for my flatmates
India and Belle. In the lead-up to it, I put Emmy’s adviceChallenging herself
to be more body
confident, Dolly
(right) bravely
bares all while her
flatmates Belle (top
drawing) and India
(bottom drawing)
sketch her.“It takes all my
power not to
clutch my boobs
or cover my
patchy Brazilian”