STAINS HAPPENto everyone. If you’re a spy, your white
button-downs are constantly being soaked, splattered
and smeared with barrel-aged bourbon, blood and lipstick.
And if you’re a normal civilian, it’s probably, I don’t know,
pomegranate seeds? In any case, carry an extra shirt
around for when those happy accidents do occur.
Sometimes I’ll even use a spare shirt to shine my car
because, for whatever reason, a $400 dress shirt works
significantly better than an old dish towel.THE NEXT TIMEyou’re at a party, scope out the most
important person in the room — which, depending
on the crowd, could be anyone ranging from
Winston Churchill to your older cousin, Dewey,
a civil engineer with a severe case of Asperger’s.
Take note of this person, because once he leaves,
so should you. Why? Because you never want to
overstay, but you also want to show your host
that your presence was not merely a social
obligation. This rule goes out the window for
barbecues, since we all know barbecues are just
anarchy drenched in ketchup.Real men keep
a spare shirt in
the glove box.
A BESPOKE SUITwith pleated pants and two-
toned Oxford shoes is all you need. Don’t wear
a zoot suit unless you want to look like a cartoon
wolf. And so help me God, if I see you with
some tacky mountain landscape or a pinup
girl painted on your necktie, I will grab said
tie like a leash and make you drink from the
dirtiest toilet bowl I can find.Real men
dress
sensibly.
Real men
know when
to leave
the party.