WORDS BY ANDREA STANLEY. GREG LOTUS/TRUNK ARCHIVE
THE COMMUNICATION
break-down between the sexes
can often be summed up like
this: you like to talk about your
feelings; he doesn’t. It’s not his
fault. ‘Boys are taught to be less
emotionally open than girls,’
says Ronald Levant, a professor
of psychology at the University
of Akron. ‘They are socialised
by peers and parents to never
cry and to embrace traditional
norms of masculinity, like being
aggressive.’ (All those action-
hero figures aren’t saving the
world by negotiating with the
bad guy...)
But the era of the man bun
has ushered in a willingness on
the part of guys to be a bit less
guarded. Millennial men are
a lot more down for having
meaningful conversations with
their partner, says Levant, but
there are differences in how men
and women communicate that
can make it seem like he’s just
hiding his feelings. ‘We all
share the same need for love,’
assures Levant, ‘but men don’t
always grasp how to use talking
as a way to get that.’ For a lot
of men, physical contact (read:
sex!) or even just hanging with
you is their way of letting you
in. Here, some methods to get
his lips moving.STRIK E WHEN
HE’S BUSY
Guys aren’t wired for that at-
close-range communication.
‘Face-to-face conversations
can make men feel vulnerable,
so having a serious discussion
while engaged in an activity,
like driving, feels safer,’ says
Deborah Tannen, a professor
of linguistics at Georgetown
University and author of You
Just Don’t Understand! Sustained
eye contact can also cause some
confusion. ‘Between two men,
a direct gaze can be a sign that
you’re looking for a fight,’ she
explains. And with a woman,
a guy may perceive a long stare
as you being DTF. ‘Either way,
he may close up because he’s
either too on guard or too
focused on sex,’ Tannen says.EASE INTO THE
DEEP STUFF
‘Not all men are used to
describing their emotions, so
when you ask him what he’s
feeling, he may not know what
to say,’ says Mark Feinberg, a
professor of health and human
development at Pennsylvania
State University. Worse, it canseem like you’re calling him out
for withholding, which puts him
on the defensive. So avoid the
‘Why so quiet?’ approach. Try
these four words that do a much
better job of encouraging a guy
to articulate what he’s feeling:
‘I’m here to listen.’
That phrase sends the clear
message that you’re ready to
hear him. If he tells you, ‘My
boss hated my presentation,’
rather than firing off questions
about his boss’s reaction, just
say: ‘I’d be so bummed if that
happened to me!’ which shows
you’re not judging him.TALK A BOUT
H I S FAVE S
While listening to him talk
about footy may not feel like
bonding, Feinberg says you
shouldn’t dismiss small talk.
Engaging over lighter topics
that your guy cares about can
bridge towards emotionally
charged subjects. When you
say, ‘Let’s talk,’ to a dude, he
senses something is wrong.
Chitchat about his interests
helps reinforce that this isn’t
an interrogation. If you take
his side about that ref ’s bad
call, he may be more likely to
open up about the stuff that
matters to you later.GIVE HIM
THE FLOOR
When he does start chatting,
it’s your turn to zip it. ‘When
women are conversing with
each other, there is more
mutual engagement- overlapping,
interjecting and
commenting –
and less turn-
taking,’ Feinberg says. ‘For a
guy it’s easier to get his point
across when he can say it with-
out interruption.’ #
sex & relationships
COSMOPOLITAN SEPTEMBER 2017 145
THAT’S
WHAT HE
SAID!‘As hard as it is for me
to express feelings,
it’s often even more
difficult to admit that
I have no feelings
about something that
matters to my partner,
like her friend issues.
It would be cool if a
girl made it OK for me
to not have anything
t o s ay.’ – WILL, 25‘If you want to keep
us talking, don’t use
what we tell you as
leverage. Sometimes,
I’ll open up about
something, and my
wife will bring it up
when we’re having
an argument and
use it against me.’- JUSTIN, 30
‘I take a while to open
up, but spending
time together makes
it easier. It helps if
a girl doesn’t want
to get into a deep
conversation the
minute we start
hanging out. We can
build up to that.’- STEVEN, 23
GUYS TELL WHAT
MAKES THEM MORE
WILLING TO SPILL