How to know
once and for all
if you won
your high
school breakup
Ye s, duh. ( B u t f o ll ow t his m a ze t o b e sure.)
By SARAH WELDONSTAR
TYou’re home for Thanksgiving and three rum and
Cokes deep at the bar when you hear a “Hey!”
that literally makes you shake. You turn around,
and yep, there’s your ex. They’re wearing the
*same* old Reefs with the bottle-opener soles as
they did when you dated. What do you do?B.
Sorry, did you hear
something? You’re
just sooo focused
on squeezing the
right amount of
lim e in t o t h a t h a l f -
empty drink.
GET 1 POINTB.
You catch them up on
literally everything, like
how your mom broke
her leg and the one time
you made out eye
contact with the hot guy
from Phil of the Future.
GET 5 POINTSC.
Give an overly
enthusiastic “Oh
my g o d! Hi!” a n d
go in for the hug.
After all, they were
the first person to
spot the apple-
shaped freckle on
your ass and dated
you while you wore
headgear.
GET 5 POINTSC.
Can’t complain.
Which is all you
say. They
dumped you the
day your dog
died.
GET 1 POINTA.
Quickly whip around
and drag out a high-
pitched “Heyyy” that
rivals the novel-
length text you sent
them a month after
your breakup.
GET 3 POINTSA.
You’re great. Like, just
r e a ll y g r e a t! L ove yo u r
job, love your friends,
love your Netflix queue.
Life is almost like too
good?
GET 3 POINTSB.
Say, “I haven’t talked to
you since you DM’d me that
one time!” (You’ve
rehearsed this for months.)
GET 5 POINTSC.
Are more curious as to
why they’re in the same
bar as you right now?!
What fresh Retrograde
hell is this??
GET 1 POINTA.
Feel kinda shitty for pretending to ignore
them after they straight-up said your
name three times. But you’re still going to
stare at the hot bartender for most of this.
GET 3 POINTSThe last time you
heard from them was
right after you posted
arguably your best thirst
trap, but apparently,
this conversation is
happening now. You...And the
small talk
begins. So...
how are
you?34 Cosmopolitan November 2019
you
PH
ILL
IP^
V.^CARU
SO/©PA
RAMOUNT^ PICTURES
/C
OURTESY
EVER
ET
T^ COLLECTION.Lo
w-keytrying
nottovom,butit’schill.