B.
Wink a lot
and pray to
Queen Bey
that it comes
off as sexy.
GET 3
POINTSB.
The GIF of Homer Simpson
backing up into the bush.
You know the one.
GET 3 POINTSB.
Were teens and people
change, but you still
passive-aggressively
joke about the time they
called you psycho for
crying at Toy Story 3.
GET 5 POINTSC.
Oh god, you just
realized that
they’re not hot,
they’re just tall. Is
this what they call
closure?
GET 1 POINTC.
A Venmo request for
the Pedialyte with a
“good to catch up!” in the
memo line.
GET 5 POINTSA.
Nothing!
GET 1 POINTC.
Belligerently choke on
your drink because you’re
dramatic like that. Then
bring up the whole dog
thing again. RIP, Fat Sal.
GET 1 POINTA.
Offer up your
couch the next time
they’re in town.
There’s no way
they’d actually take
you up on it, right?
GET 5 POINTSA.
“Well. (A) You were a
dic k w h o s aid my t a n
looked fake at prom,
and (B) you think you’re
too cool for Ariana
Grande!” screams your
inner self. IRL, tho, you
shrug and ask if anyone
wants to do shots.
GET 3 POINTSGood morning, you smiling
Teletubby sun! You check your
phone and see a “U up?” text
from the Dark Lord at 3:21 a.m.
You obviously reply with...Okay, so you’re caught up and
starting to end all your sentences
with “And, yeah...,” when they
pull out the What Happened
With Us? card. You:
All right, it’s time
to say your good-
byes. You...6 TO 11 P O I N T S
Woof, it’s a
close one
That breakup had
you shook, but
you’re still out here
winning because
they wore flip-
flops to a bar in
November.12 TO 18 P O I N T S
We l p,
they put up a
good fight
You’re fine, they ’re
fine. But this Pete
Wentz wannabe
who refused to go
down on you fully
knows what they’re
missing now.19 TO 3 0 P O I N T S
Ya won by a
mile, homie!
You know the high
road is overrated,
but you’re not a total
asshole either. Enter
your subtle brand
of shade that goes
undetected until
it hits ‘em hard at
midnight.IF^ YOU^ GOT...Lol
,gonnaneedmoreofthese.November 2019 Cosmopolitan 35