Pam Custers
Pam is a psychotherapist
and coach who specialises
in relationships. She leads
the team at The Relationship
Practice working with
individuals, couples and
families. pamcusters.co.ukattachment
CalmCalmMMomoment.coment.com 4747attached partner is only fearful of losing
them, they can emotionally step forward and
reassure them. If the avoidant partner goes
quiet, the anxiously attached person can also
recognise what is happening and won’t act
aggressively to close them down further.
Both parties can then move forward and
solve the problem without causing more
anxiety or withdrawal.”
While our attachment styles may adapt
with our self-esteem and through significant
life experiences – from parental nurturing,
friendships and how we have been treated in
former romantic relationships – it is the
willingness to understand ourselves and our
partner’s needs that allows for a happy,
thriving relationship. This teamwork, where
both parties can work together to set each
other free from any negative feelings,
enables the co-creation of a healthy
relationship. If we look after that connection
and consider each other’s needs, we are not
only taking care of our partner’s emotional
health, but ours, too.It is possible that in the past closeness
seemed frightening to someone who is
avoidant, and as a result we have developed
this coping strategy of removal to protect
ourselves. In contrast, those of us who are
anxiously attached and with an avoidant
partner may simply need to adjust the way
we ask for more love, perhaps by toning
down anger or intensity, and explaining in
practical terms how it helps us to be
reassured. Accepting that the avoidant
person’s quietness or distance isn’t a sign of
a lack of love but may be their way of
keeping a balance of emotion, is also key.
Once we know our partner is not acting a
particular way due to a lack of care, or
because they are purposefully trying to
attack or hurt us, we can help each other
handle the situation more easily. We can then
deal with issues that may arise with
openness, honesty and an understanding of
how the other person might be feeling.
“Having available, responsible and
engaged conversations can make all the
difference,” explains Pam. “When an
avoidant partner realises their anxiously“Our attachment
styles may adapt
with our self-esteem”